Will you PLEASE stop fighting NOW!

Fighting siblings

Does it really push your buttons when your kids squabble? With so much time together during all the lockdowns as they’ve been in each other’s company more, they may be goading each other out of sheer boredom. You know sibling fighting is meant to be normal, but seriously, over who gets to open the door first or sit in the front seat of the car or push the button in the lift.  Really? I’m reminded of the Sibling Rivlary Michael McIntryre video, which you can watch here. Three minutes of sheer joy and I defy you not to laugh out loud.

What did you envisage when you brought into the world a sweet little sister or brother for your adored first-born? That she should become a punch bag for him? That he should call her all manner of names and tease her? That she should provoke the life out of him? I thought not. You were probably like me with fantasies of them playing happily together, keeping each other occupied and loving each other.

However I do recall my own brother performing the worst atrocities on me, such as sitting on me and passing wind in my face – can you believe it?  And further down the line, he really didn’t care for me and would deny my existence to such an extent that when his friends came back to the house, they were genuinely surprised to see that he had a sister. Roll forward a decade and when I met my Kiwi husband in my early 20’s things really changed.  He thought he was a great guy and he then started to look at me in a different light. I am happy to report now that our small family are super close and our three generations still choose to holiday together at least twice a year. Sibling relationships can be very complex and it’s deeply emotional based on your own experiences.

 When my own children were younger, my eldest  turned into a monster around his sister. He tormented her endlessly calling her ‘fat’,  she responded by calling him ‘stupid dyslexic boy’ and of course  I envisaged a future of them disliking each other and being scarred for life. I am thrilled to report that in their 20’s they now share an apartment together and both have a mutual respect for each other. Both have different temperaments and a different set of strengths and I am certain this outcome is due to the positive parenting skills we used.

The advice I initially received was to stay out of their fights. I tried to do this but it was as if I’d given permission for my eldest to bully his sister. My younger child felt abandoned. I could understand why I shouldn’t take sides in their disputes, but inadvertently I gave my daughter the impression I didn’t care nor understand. It’s a very finally nuanced piece. Studies have shown that effective intervention has the effect of reducing the number and intensity of sibling rows. (Perlman, M and Ross, H ‘The benefits of parent intervention in their children’s disputes: An examination of concurrent changes in children’s fighting styles.’ Child Development 1997)

Parents need to know when to get involved in their children’s arguments and when to stay out of them.

We need to distinguish between minor squabbles and major on-going battles. We decide upon our intervention based on the level of dispute. We need to be ready to intervene when the children seem to be struggling, or the situation is potentially dangerous, but our intervention is only to encourage and support them to resolve their dispute constructively themselves. DO NOT TO TAKE SIDES.

And when we do intervene, we need to do so in ways which not only encourage children to sort out their own disputes but which also support the children’s relationships, and reduce the risk of long term conflict. If we take sides or impose judgments, not only does the accused retaliate later but the children don’t learn how to resolve matters themselves.

The basic approach is to:
• describe the problem
• acknowledge how each child feels
• help the children find a solution; support them in using more constructive conflict resolution strategies

Here’s an example with younger children: Jack, aged 5, wants to watch Peppa Pig on TV but Bella, aged 8, is watching her ‘Frozen’ DVD and singing (loudly) along to ‘Let it go’.

Jack says “I want to watch Peppa now Bella” and Bella just says “no”, so Jack hits her, saying “It’s my turn now horrible Bella.” And Bella shouts and hits him back. Jack cries. Dad thinks it’s time to intervene and doesn’t say “Ok, you two that’s enough. Bella don’t be so mean, give Jack a turn”. (He did that last week and it ended in tears all round – Dad too, well, almost.)

Dad: Jack I can see you’re upset. You know it’s wrong to hit. You’re a boy with a moral compass. Can you tell Bella what you want, rather than calling her names?
Jack: She’s being mean. I want a turn.
Bella: But it’s my turn now. I want to watch the end of this video.
Jack: You watched it on the weekend. I want to watch Peppa now.
Dad: (Dad has some sympathy – he wouldn’t mind some respite from ‘Let it go’ himself.) Jack is saying he wants a turn to watch his show. Bella is saying she’s not ready for her turn to be over….Hmm…That’s a tough situation...I know it can be hard to wait, Jack.
Jack: I don’t want to wait…I want to watch Peppa now! Bella gets to watch her show all the time.
Dad: You feel you’re not getting a fair go? Can you tell Bella that and ask her when she’ll be ready to give you a turn? Bella can you tell Jack, without hitting, what would be a fair time for you to have on the video.
Jack: It’s not fair Bella, you had a turn on the weekend and I haven’t had my turn for ages. When will it be my turn?
Bella: Ok Jack! You can watch Peppa when the next song is finished. Why don’t you be Olaf?

Dad gives lots of descriptive praise for both children for resolving this situation constructively.
Both kids feel heard and they have learnt how to assert themselves without hitting.

Managing sibling conflicts is one of THE most difficult parts of parenting. Helping children to resolve disputes without abusing power or resorting to name-calling or violence, is a great gift.

You can explore more in my prerecorded SIBLING webinar. We talk about the 7 point sibling plan to promote harmony and ensure the children are less likely to squabble and when they do, I’ll show you how to help them resolve the dispute themselves so you don’t have to get involved.