Difficult or Different?

Elaine Halligan with her son, Sam Halligan

Are you parenting a different or difficult child?

I am the parent of a child who’s different.

I am the parent of a child who’s neuro diverse.

I am the parent of a child who didn’t thrive in our traditional educational system.

I am the parent of a child who was excluded from three schools by the age of seven, and literally written off in society.

And I am the parent of a young adult who is now thriving as a successful entrepreneur.

The fact is society expects children, and adults to conform. We are quick to judge those who present differently and if our children behave inappropriately, we often believe this behaviour is a reflection on our parenting, and that any criticism is directed at us. The notion that our children may be shunned by society for being different breaks our hearts, and being judged by others can be one of a parents’ biggest fears.

I’ve gone from feeling an overriding sense of failure in my abilities as a mother to believing that, as parents, the biggest impact we have on our children’s lives is through the influence of our words and actions.

I feel I have been riding an emotional roller coaster from utter despair and hopelessness to profound joy and the greatest celebrations of life, and this week as I listened to Sam, now aged 25, being interviewed by Rob Kerr on the Project Future podcast, I felt my heart could burst with joy. Here was a young man living life to the full, bursting with ideas and creativity, working hard to be financially secure and using his incredible Ferrari brain ( but with bicycle brakes) to pivot his car businesses during COVID.

However whilst the story does have a happy ending, I admit that all these differences meant that in the early days he was very challenging to parent.  His temperament is sensitive, intense and impulsive and these traits meant that both at home and at school behaviour was problematic. Our family were in complete crisis all those years ago and I honestly thought that his future would be in a young offender’s institution.

Our son’s needs were varied and complex and although we now know he is severely dyslexic, he was diagnosed with so many three letter abbreviations , he became known as the Alphabet kid.   First it was Autistic Spectrum disorder (ASD), then Aspergers, then Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder ( ADHD). The professionals then threw in a bit of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) for good measure and when we finally were told that our son had Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)  I came home and cried.

Parents’ observations of their children are usually very astute and in my parent coaching work I am often heard telling my clients “you are the expert on your child.”  It may be that you don’t know what the problem is or how to fix it, nor how to help and support your child, but your child is tricky to handle and you just sense something is not quite right. Your child may not have diagnosed specific learning needs, but is often misunderstood and perhaps judged by others around him due to difficult behaviour. You may have started to catastrophise as you know the stakes are high now. We want to ensure our children are happy and successful and that they enter adult life with good self-esteem and resilience to ensure they will cope with whatever life throws at them. 

We knew our son was a good and capable boy with a strong moral compass. On many occasions he just could not help what he did. When we asked him why he had thrown my prized Jo Malone candle on the floor, he said  “I don’t know. I just could not help myself.” Now with greater understanding I realise he was telling us the absolute truth. He was incredibly impulsive and lacked self-control but that did not make him a bad person.  Our children are born with a temperament that provides their default position for interaction with the world but we can use our communication skills to support them to understand themselves and help them to succeed.

So what steps can you take to support your ‘difficult’ child? Here are some tips:

1.       Understand and accept their temperament  - this allows you to respond more effectively to their needs. We can’t change temperament but we can help our children develop better responses. Always remember Biology is not destiny.

 2.       Build strong self-esteem  - children behave better, take more responsibility, try new things and are more resilient when they have good self-esteem. So approve and affirm them by noticing and commenting on what they are doing right rather than giving most of your attention to the difficult behaviour. Criticism is de-motivating and lowers self-esteem. Practice your descriptive praise

 3.       Be your child’s emotion coach  - how your child feels influences how he behaves. We need to help our children name their emotions in order to tame them. This means accepting their feelings (even anger and jealousy) and letting them know we understand how they feel. It doesn’t mean you permit the behaviour. Take steps to teach your child how to behave when calm.

 4.       Realise that all behaviour has a cause  - when we understand what is causing the behaviour we can stay calm and help children learn so they take responsibility. It can be very simple – they’re tired, bored, hungry or unwell, or it could be more complex. They could be full of emotion, their brains are immature, they have a different agenda from ours, we are inconsistent or perhaps we are doing some poor modelling. Many times your child will not be being a problem, but having a problem.

 5.       Don’t punish – punishment makes a child feel bad about himself and is often delivered in anger and with criticism. No learning can take place when a child is afraid or feels resentful and it often results in more rebellious behaviour. Problem-solve with your child and use teaching consequences.  Try take two’s for minor misbehaviours. When a child whines, instead of criticising and scolding you say:  “It’s hard for me to hear you like that. Please use your strong voice and that way I can listen!”

 Over the years with developing awareness of how to parent more positively, researching good educational environments, and working as a parenting coach, our different, difficult boy has become a capable, confident and contented young man.

 At a time when none of us knows what the  future holds, I know all of you as parents are looking for strategies to make your parenting story a better experience, with a better outcome for everyone involved.

 If you have a hunch that something is different about your child, I encourage you to seek support and fill up that toolkit of parenting skills. Do check out my Harmony at Home course as well  - completely flexible learning, to suit your lifestyle and with live coaching from me.

 I really hope I have the opportunity to help you change your parenting story.

Links

My Child’s Different by Elaine Halligan, An Amazon best seller in category and with close to 200 x 5 star reviews. The lessons learned from one family's struggle to unlock their son's potential explores the enabling role that parents can play in getting the best out of children who are seen as different or difficult. Foreword by Dr Laura Markham.

Available for purchase from my shop or Amazon or Crown House Publishing.

The Project Future Podcast, hosted by author Rob Kerr, is a weekly show that shares business (and personal) stories alongside great tips about what to do – and what not to do – when starting a business. New episodes are published every Tuesday. The show is available on all major platforms. Here is the link to Apple and Spotify.  ‎The Project Future Podcast: 14. Sam Halligan on Exploring and Opening Doors on Apple Podcasts