The Danger of Bribing Children to get Good Grades

This week I’m delivering a parenting talk to a local prep school here in Wimbledon about ‘Creating Happy Motivated Learners’, and one of the issues I’m going to discuss, especially during the school assessment process for the 7+, or 11+, is the danger of parents offer incentives/bribes to their children in exchange for good results. These can take the form of money, i-pads/ gadgets and even the promise of holidays to exotic destinations.

The impact of this is far reaching, with parents then

· complaining that their child is not a happy motivated learner, and that homework is tortuous, so the only way to get them to work is to bribe them

· realising their child is now in charge, and with the oratory skills of a KC, is now applying bribe inflation to the negotiations

· feeling disappointed that their child seems to lack gratitude for what they have in life and are becoming spoilt.

Does that sound a little familiar?

So, is it right to offer children incentives in order to motivate them to study?

Author Alfie Kohn, argues that rewarding your children is “morally objectionable and practically counterproductive, that the problem lies… with… the idea that we offer to someone something they need or want in order to control how they act.” He says it is objectionable to control another human being. However, I would argue that as parents we are always trying to influence our children – it’s what raising children is all about, and I think influencing is more effective than controlling. But influencing children with material possessions and experiences is never a good idea and can lead to them only valuing things with a monetary value and they then struggle to differentiate between real needs and ‘wants’.

So, can we influence by rewarding our children for good behaviour?

If so, what is a suitable reward and what exactly is the difference between a bribe and a reward?

A bribe is offered beforehand to influence a behaviour, whereas a reward is given afterwards to acknowledge a behaviour. The language used is significant, too.

Bribe = “IF I let you watch TV now, you must do your homework straight afterwards”

Reward = “WHEN you have completed your homework, you will have earnt your screen time.”

The ‘if you do X you can have Y’ model involves a loss of parental control. The child is in charge as the parent pays a price for what they want the child to do. One of the concerns parents quite rightly have is that this price goes up! ‘Bribe inflation’ means that the child can raise the stakes and may end up only doing what’s required for a treat, and that treat will get bigger and bigger. “I won’t do it for three sweeties. I’ll do it for four.” This teaches our children that they can manipulate their parents and that ‘rules’ are negotiable.

Another concern is that when parents use material objects to reward children for good behaviour or performance (or take them away for misbehaviour), those children see their value as connected to performance and measured in material things.

So how can you get your children into good habits and cooperative behaviour without bribing or rewarding materially?

HERE ARE SIX TIPS FOR HELPING CHILDREN DEVELOP APPRECIATION AND INTRINSIC MOTIVATION

1. Don’t reward performance, whether academic or otherwise. A good result is its own reward. Instead celebrate the effort your child has put into their studies or sport. Don’t give them the message that your approval is dependent on their successes.

2. Descriptive praise is the best reward. Children need positive affirmation like they need nutrition, and when we appreciate our children, they in turn learn to be appreciative.

3. Use non-material rewards. Get creative and choose a new reward today – a pillow fight, blowing bubbles, remote control Daddy, torch-lit indoor safari looking for toy animals, picnic tea under the table, a candlelit dinner/ bath or sending them a real letter in the post! You are only limited by your imagination.

4. Presence not presents. The one thing children crave more than anything is time with you. In this busy frenetic world, it is so easy not to make this a priority as you race from one activity to another.

It’s interesting to read about some research from Cardiff University which concluded that 75% of 11-12 year olds rated spending time with their family, above spending time with friends or time alone. When asked what they enjoyed doing with their family, the children didn’t mention being taken shopping or going on day-trips or outings. They talked about “routine” and “ordinariness” and about the feeling of “having someone around”. What the children seem to value is a time to rest and relax, with a sense of control and security, which they get from being WITH us, rather than being with friends, or indeed from having the latest gizmos, gadgets and games.

Treat spending time with your children as a meeting with an important client. You diarise it and can’t afford to be late or to miss the appointment!

5. Have your child earn privileges for good behaviour – children are much more appreciative of their screen time, toys, outings and having friends to play if you have a system in place where they earn their privileges. This increases their self-esteem, confidence and motivation. If they don’t do what’s required they simply haven’t earnt their screen time, rather than you taking away what they think of as their inalienable right!

6. Talk up the intrinsic benefits of the task to avoid extrinsic overcontrolling. When your child does something good, point out the intrinsic benefits of the behaviour/achievement. Younger children are hard wired to want to please parents, even though it doesn’t always look like it! “I really love it when you do what Daddy asks you to do quickly. Now we have time for two stories!” “Thank you for standing still and letting me brush your teeth at the back. That shows me you understand how important it is to look after your teeth, to stop them from getting decay. Now you not only have fresh breath but healthy gnashers too!”

So have a think about the changes you can make in your own family and let me know what non-material rewards your children love by dropping me a line at elaine@theparentpractice.com.

Interested in developing these skills? My Parenting Toolkit programme ( a self study course) gives you the secret formula to positive, firm and consistent parenting. It could just be the best investment you make for your family.

Interested in having me speak to your parents at your school -download my schools brochure here or drop me a line at elaine@theparentpractice.com