Is it normal to not enjoy being a parent?

Angry Mum

This is a taboo subject, that most parents struggle to admit and talk about.

So I have to ask you a very direct question -

Have you ever found yourself thinking “I’m not enjoying being a parent”

I’m the parent of a child with ADHD and dyslexia and I confess I spent a long time in those early days thinking, this isn’t fair, I didn’t sign up for this,and it’s just not what I expected.

I imagined as a parent I would be Mother Theresa, all calmness and tranquillity, but the reality was so very different, and after our son was excluded from his third school by the age of seven, I admit I did and said things that I deeply regret. There were times I just didn’t recognise myself as I got so angry having a child who was not cooperative and seemed to monopolise every waking moment.

The result was I turned into a screaming banshee and I just didn’t recognise myself.

I wonder if this resonates with you?

So if there’s just one thing you would like to change for 2024, I am guessing it’s going to be how to stay calm and stop shouting at the kids. With the start of the school term, and back to work, it’s going to test the willpower of the best of us.

All our children at times will press our buttons, and all of us will have done and said things that we later regret.

We all know anger is DESTRUCTIVE and shouting at our children doesn’t work, so how do we remain CALM as we mull over our New Year’s resolutions. After all, who doesn’t love a clean slate?

You know the drill. You make steely vows to yourself that this will be the year you become a vegan, get to a spin class, or give up that hardcore handbag habit. And definitely start to work on a more harmonious home.

But those promises, often made on a cocktail-infused whim each 31st December, barely make it out of January. Instead, what if you could make some resolutions that actually made a difference to family life?

Dealing with tears, tantrums and everything in between is par for the course when bringing up kids, but keeping calm in the face of flashpoints can feel impossible. However much we Insta-hashtag ourselves into staying calmer, being stronger or just shouting less, the reality is children will press our buttons.

Anger is destructive and can have damaging effects on kids, often leaving younger children confused and fearful, but all of us will have said and done things that we have come to regret. New Year is the ideal time to resolve to stop the parenting pendulum swinging so wildly, and break the cycle that leaves us feeling guilty and our toddlers overwhelmed with confusion and sometimes fear.

We know shouting at our children doesn’t work and yet there will be moments when we end up screaming like a banshee. We resort to saying things like: “Why can’t you just do as you’re told? Stop whining or I’ll give you something to really complain about! No one is interested in your crying, so just stop it NOW!” It’s easy to change from being a calm, rational human being to an authoritarian dictator consumed with rage because your three-year-old is not putting his shoes on quickly enough and you are going to be late for nursery school or work.

Adult rage can leave children feeling stressed. Some children may remain with elevated stress levels for a while afterwards. When we’re stressed, our bodies produce the hormone cortisol. If children are subject to continued stress, their learning is compromised and there can be implications for physical and mental health. When people are stressed their heart rates go up, their vision and hearing is impeded and their access to their pre-frontal lobes with all its cognitive and reasoning functions is restricted.

Some children may feel responsible for their parent’s rage. It may result in compliance in the moment but is unlikely to create long-term learning. And what children see, children do.

Don’t be surprised if they start showing more aggression and rage with you and with others.

Our objective as parents is to keep calm and use positive and consistent strategies, and we do need support to know how to defuse our buttons in the moment. Here are some ideas:

PRIORITISE SELF-CARE.

Looking after ourselves is not a nice-to-have luxury but essential for our own physical and mental wellbeing, and that of our family. In order to keep calm, we need to see our wellbeing as a priority and ensure we look after our physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual health. Easier said than done if you have littlies to look after, but the simple steps of ensuring you get to bed at a reasonable hour and have a digital-free bedroom zone will help you get into better habits and behaviours.

GIVE YOURSELF A TIME OUT.

To prevent yourself doing or saying something you’ll regret, take yourself out of the situation and head to the garden or your bedroom to calm down. On one occasion on the train from London to Inverness, I needed to calm down after discovering my teenage son had forgotten to use the family and friends’ railcard to buy his ticket and had spent four times the normal price. It was good for everyone, for me to lock myself in the toilet!

USE CALMING STRATEGIES.

And teach the kids to use them too! You may prefer a visualisation strategy, like imagining a beach, or a physical one, such as going for a walk or splashing your face with cold water. Or you may opt to use a verbalising method, repeating a calming mantra.

APPRECIATE KIDS WILL MAKE MISTAKES.

We need to let them know we all make mistakes, but we can learn from them and clear up our messes. If we get angry when they mess up, they’ll be too afraid to try. So next time they spill the milk on the floor whilst trying to prepare their own cereal, focus on the fact they were trying to be self-reliant. Allow them to make amends by giving them a cloth to clear up the mess.

ACKNOWLEDGE PARENTING IS INHERITED.

Many of us believe parenting should be instinctive but parenting habits are, in fact, conditioned responses based on our upbringing. If your parents raged at you for poor behaviour, then it’s no surprise if you have adopted those habits. We need awareness in order to behave differently.

LEARN POSITIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES.

Start small with something realistic, that gives insights into your children’s behaviour and helps you understand how positive discipline can help you stay calm. My 30 days to positive parenting course is a perfect solution if you are keen to fill your parenting toolkit.

Click here for more info about the range of courses on offer The Parent Practice School | The Parent Practice (teachable.com) and once you’ve got underway, then you can book in for a 1-1 session with me to get more clarity and an action plan.

Here’s to Keeping Calm -the holy grail of Parenting