How Not To Raise a Chauvinist

Raising Boys Who Do Better

Guest Post by Uju Asika

When your baby boy is placed in your arms, everything else melts away. For many of us boy parents, and for mothers in particular, our sons are our first unconditional loves. Your baby wants nothing from you apart from food, shelter and care but you would climb mountains and fight wild beasts just to keep him happy and safe. From that first blink of recognition, he has captured your heart forever.

Fast forward 11 years and that sweet little being who once clung to you day and night is now his own separate person trying to find his way. Once those secondary school gates close, your boy might be doing everything he can to fit into a man-shaped identity that doesn’t necessarily suit his nature or your ideals. He might start coming out with dodgy jokes disguised as banter or thoughts about women that don’t sound like him.

Sexism is rampant across secondary education and it’s become especially widespread thanks to the rise of TikTok misogynists. However, it’s not just teenagers you need to worry about as studies show that children as young as two are already forming rigid ideas about gender roles. By age five, many kids hold beliefs such as ‘men should rescue women’ or ‘mothers look after the household’. This is known as benevolent sexism, which is not quite as extreme as hostile sexism (e.g. ‘women were born to serve men’) but it can be just as harmful if left unchecked. For at the end of the day, all sexism is about promoting the false narrative that females are inherently less than males. 

So what can a parent do to avoid bringing up another male chauvinist in a world already riddled with sexism? My new book Raising Boys Who Do Better explores how we can raise healthy, happy boys who are also conscious and accountable. I share conversations I’ve had with my own sons as well as insights from experts and some of the latest research on sexist attitudes, education, mental health, safety and consent. If you are reading this post, you might be particularly interested in the chapter titled How Not To Raise A Chauvinist!

In the meantime, here are a few tips to get you thinking about how you can tackle sexism within your own home.

8 Essential Tips on How Not To Raise a Sexist

1. Start Young

Remember that sexist beliefs can set in early and it’s not so much about what you think but what your child is picking up from a society that’s been split into pink and blue. As a parent, you can challenge some of these basic ideas and encourage your child to ask questions and consider alternatives to rigid gender roles and expectations.

2. Talk About What You Notice in Books and Media

One great way to open up these conversations is when you’re reading a book together or watching a TV show. Ask what your child notices about how male characters are portrayed versus other genders. Play with switching out a male lead for a female lead and imagine how that story might turn out. Read books that defy gender stereotypes like My Shadow Is Purple by Scott Stuart.

3. Find Out What He Thinks

Before you wade in with a lecture on sexism, why not find out what your boy actually thinks? You can ask simple questions in everyday situations, also it can be fun to sit your son down for a (semi) formal interview. I enjoyed interviewing each of my boys as part of the research for Raising Boys Who Do Better and their answers gave me a fascinating insight into how they think about masculinity, what they’ve learned from me, and what I can do better to help them navigate these tricky areas. Why not check out these 33 Key Questions to Ask Your Son (free download) if you’d like to interview your boy too?

4. Share Chores More Evenly

Some parents can be guilty of letting their sons off the hook while putting their daughters to work on household chores. This only reinforces the outdated expectation that women do the housework and men can put their feet up. Make sure you get your boys involved in helping out around the house from an early age. Chores should have no gender so let them take part in everything from cooking and DIY to learning to sew a button or clean the toilet. It’s good for your child to see their parents divide chores more fairly too.

5. Keep an Eye on His Social Media

The algorithm loves divisive content and too many young boys have been sucked into the ‘internet bro’ version of manhood. Andrew Tate might have been booted off some platforms but there are plenty of copycats spinning their sexist nonsense for likes and clicks. Make sure you have some boundaries in place around social media use. Most importantly, talk to your son regularly about what he’s reading and watching online.

6. Interrupt Sexist Comments and Jokes

Boys don’t cry. Man up. You’re throwing like a girl. These are everyday sexist comments that you might hear earlier than you expect and it’s crucial to keep interrupting them. You don’t have to slam down hard on your boy for a joke or some banter, but you can ask questions like: ‘Why would you say that?’ or ‘Why do you think that’s funny?’ Get him to pause for at least a moment to reflect on what message he’s putting out there and encourage him to interrupt sexist comments from his friends too.

7. Unpack Your Own Sexist Attitudes

You might not be aware of it but you are probably walking around with a bunch of internalised sexist attitudes. Don’t feel too bad about this because every single one of us is influenced by centuries of patriarchal conditioning. For a mother, this might show up as how you shoulder the household load (despite also working full-time) or what clothes you think are appropriate for a boy or girl to wear. It’s important to examine and interrupt your own sexism so you don’t pass it on to your child.

8. Stay Present

None of this is a one-day project. It’s a lifetime of learning and unlearning. Keep talking with your son, stay connected and be a steady, loving presence. Especially through his prickliest, smelliest, most awkward phase. Let kindness and fairness and full-heartedness lead your interactions. The closer he is to you, the more likely he is to absorb your values too. And it’s these values that will carry him forward into becoming the type of man you’ve always hoped he would be.

Uju Asika is the author of Bringing Up Race: How to Raise a Kind Child in a Prejudiced World and the picture book A World for Me and You (Where Everyone Is Welcome). Her new book Raising Boys Who Do Better: A Hopeful Guide for a New Generation will be published on June 1. You can pre-order the book here: https://geni.us/RaisingBoys 

 If you would like to pre-order a copy signed and personalised by the author, you can order with this link by June 2 and leave your details with the retailer:  https://www.ink84bookshop.co.uk/product-page/friday-june-2nd-6-30-8pm