It's ok for your child to be angry

Angry little girl

Seeing your child consumed with fury is a horrible feeling for parents. So, is it OK for a child to be angry?

 The short answer is yes, but it’s hard for parents to accept this as they struggle with their own emotions and all the questions raised by the anger and particularly the behaviours that come with it.

 Our instinct as loving and committed parents is to focus on how to stop the anger coming, or when it does erupt, to try to deter or discourage it, which we tend to do by meeting it with disapproval or disappointment

 “This behaviour is unacceptable and it’s got to stop” or “

“You’re letting everyone down when you do this” or “

“You’re being silly. There’s no need to make so much fuss.”

 Often you can end up adding fuel to the flames by getting angry ourselves, partly because you don’t know what else to do, and partly because you’re scared or maybe feeling guilty that you can’t help more.

 However, it’s important to understand that all children, indeed all human beings, experience anger, as well as other emotions generally regarded as negative, such as jealousy and hatred. Some feel more than others.  And anger isn’t always a bad thing. It can be perfectly justified and outrage can spur you into action. When your children are adults, you’ll want them to be angry at injustice for example.

 So, as parents, we can NOT stop our children having these feelings, but we CAN help them.

 ·  We can work to ensure that their self-esteem is protected and nurtured,

·  We can find ways to keep our relationship with them positive and fulfilling, and

·  We can encourage and support them to find safe and appropriate ways to vent negative and potentially destructive emotions, so that it does not erupt in violent or aggressive behaviour, which can trap the child into a particular identity of being an angry child, or out-of-control, or troublesome or challenging.

 Overall, the challenge is to show empathy with your child when they are angry and  CONNECT first before your CORRECT.

 Connect by acknowledging the anger, rather than simply focusing on the behaviour.  This might sound like:

“Boy, something has made you absolutely furious, you just want to yell and scream!” as opposed to “Don’t do that, calm down, or what’s the matter with you?”

 When your child is engulfed with anger, you need to recognise and acknowledge this and don’t deny it or belittle it, and don’t make your child wrong for having the feeling.  If you unwittingly make your children wrong for having the feelings they are having, they experience the multiple “whammy” of having a negative feeling, believing they are “wrong” to have it, and wanting or thinking they have to hide it from others.

Of course, the behaviours that come with the anger are often not appropriate, and work can be done to re-direct these, like finding safe venting activities, but the feeling is valid and we make more progress on improving the behaviours, as well as protecting the overall self-esteem of the child, when we acknowledge this.

 There are several ways to release anger that are NOT dangerous or harmful.  E.g.

• shredding paper,

• scribbling wildly on it,

• popping bubble wrap,

• ripping material ( an old sheet works brilliantly),

• punching a cushion,

• putting hands in shoes and stamping on the floor, or kicking leaves or even just learning to breathe from the abdomen or running cold water over your face.

The most useful tools in our family were the white board, used not just for playing teachers, but for scribbling and the boxing gloves and mitts. No sooner had our son got his mitts on, then we’d be in fits of laughter and the tension had eased.

 To set this up, you need to find a quiet and private time to talk this through with your  child, when they are calm and not under stress and ask them for their ideas about what they could do and what would feel good for them. When an idea comes from the child themselves, it’s likely to suit them far better than any of our ideas, and also they’re likely to have a far greater commitment to it.  This might sound like:

 “I wonder if you would find it helpful to have something you ARE allowed to do when you are feeling angry, rather than just being told NOT to do things. Do you have any ideas about something that would feel good, but not hurt anyone or damage any property in the house?”

 If they come up with an idea, we can praise them for being creative, and proactive. If they struggle and are reluctant, we can empathise that it’s a sensitive issue and they may find it hard to talk about.

 Equally challenging, but vitally important, for everyone – including the child themselves– is to avoid positioning any child as “the angry one” or as “a difficult/challenging child”.  For both parties, the first step is to move from thinking (let alone saying out loud!) that “(s)he’s/I’m BEING a problem” to “(s)he’s/I’m HAVING a problem”.

 Then, for the parent or any carer, the next step is to find any and every moment where the child displays any calm qualities or shows any sign of controlling themselves – and point it out to the child. This might sound like:

 “Just then I saw that your brother really irritated you, yet you managed to walk away and not yell out at him, that’s real self-control” or “I reckon you’ve had a tough day, and yet you sat quietly in the car while I strapped your sister into her seat.  That was patient and considerate too.”

 This helps your child (and the parent) begin to see themselves as someone who CAN show patience, who CAN display self-control, and this is far more motivational for them in terms of continuing their efforts to learn about themselves and grow.

 Any progress should also be noted and commented on.  This might sound like: “Last week, it took nearly an hour for you to calm down enough to talk to me clearly. Today it was much shorter, that’s real progress” or “Just now you dropped your fork, but you bent down quietly and picked it up and you didn’t get mad with yourself.”

 This helps keep a positive approach and atmosphere with the emphasis on looking ahead, rather than dwelling on the past, and means that each small milestone along the way becomes significant and used as a stepping stone towards the next one.

To learn more about how to ensure your children are confident and contented, take a look at our 30 DAYS TO POSITIVE PARENTING course -achievable yet effective, this course is for busy parents who want to change their parenting style with bitesize exercises that are simple yet impactful.