Adult child leaving home for University/ College

The day has finally come. After months of frenetic planning, purchasing bits for the room and transporting, your youngest child is finally off to Uni and suddenly the family home is eerily quiet. No smelly sports kits dumped in the middle of the hallway, the fridge is no longer looted on a regular basis, and no longer is there a constant stream of teenagers coming through the door. It’s peaceful at last but maybe you’re feeling a bit lost -something’s amiss.

For many it’s like being on an emotional roller coaster, as the reality sinks in that you will not see your child every day, and you no longer have to watch their diet, sleep and screen time habits, and ensure they study independently.

You may be feeling quite bereft, even questioning your purpose, but the reality is you are in a different, exciting chapter of your family life, that can bring huge joy and opportunity, if you allow a shift in your mindset.

It’s important to allow time for yourself to to process the loss, and accept your emotions, and learn how to reframe some of your beliefs and thoughts around being a parent. It helps to accept that your child is now “adulting”, but your role as a parent continues. for life. Indeed I do not jest when I tell you my 85 year old mother and 88 year old father still worry about me! Can you believe it? When you learn how to explore the unexpected and find the joy, together with understanding this is an opportunity to focus on your own future, then you can in time see this as an opportuntiy full of hope and excitement.

So what is empty nest syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children move out of the family home, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university. It is not a clinical condition, but it can be a very challenging transition if you’ve been a primary care giver.

The way you're impacted is dependent on your role within the family and the make up of your family and it varies for everyone -it can be a roller coaster of emotions, but it helps to accept the following:

it’s normal to feel a sense of loss, loneliness, worry, and even sadness
if you’re a single parent , you may experience a deeper sense of loss
it’s not unusual to feel some anxiety as you may struggle to know what to do with your time.

Some parents report feeling depressed as they experience a sense of loneliness, and you may also feel a huge sense of relief and pride -your child is independent and you’ve reached your parenting goal of raising a competent young adult

in some cases couples now find they have more time to focus on themselves and in others they sadly realize that their relationship has run its course and it is in their best interest to separate.

It’s a period in your parenting journey where it’s actually productive to spend time reflecting on your life goals and what’s next.

What to do if you’re feeling a sense of loss and loneliness

I think it helps to reframe your beliefs and thoughts about being a parent.

Part of your role of being a parent is about preparing for separation. Kids need to leave and grow. And from the moment they're born, they're learning how to separate from us. This is just another life change. You’ll find freedom when you embrace this.

It’s also about knowing your role is all to do with raising competent, considerate, confident young adults who can fly the nest unsupervised. The sooner you accept that role the better, and appreciating you and your partner no longer need to parent daily.

If you’re a parent who has balance in your life and are content in other areas of your life, you will have an easier time with the empty nest.

Your Parenting Role never stops

Your child is now adulting, but the reality is your role continues and even more so since COVID.

Historically, the moving out of home was a very linear experience, with further education, moving into workplace and setting up a new home, but that trend is now reversing with the boomerang generation. In the UK, the proportion of single, child-free 20-to-34-year-olds living with their parents went up 55% between 2008 to 2017, according to research from Loughborough University.

Many of you may have had unexpected opportunities to deepen further relationships with your children , so it’s an even more complex emotional roller coaster.

I have to confess that currently my husband and I find ourselves living with two adult children in London -the cost of living crisis means that affording to live independently is hugely challenging, and they’ve boomeranged back! Whilst together with their partners there are often 6 adults staying in the home, and I complain about the state of the laundry room, the truth is I feel some pride and joy that my children want to spend time with us and enjoy our company. So just remember this is just a normal period in their age and stage of development, and your parenting role continues.

Imagine yourself as a stock portfolio and start understanding your value.

The key question to ask is how are you now going to invest in yourself? You know it’s time to explore all those things that have been on the to do list for way too long

would you go on a longer holiday exploring places and countries that have always been on your wish list?
-take up a new hobby -rock climbing, join a choir or learn bridge
-take time to restore mind body and soul -yoga, pilates retreat or cycling experience
- explore a new sport or interest with your partner –
- have those date nights you always wanted to do but never quite made time for

What strategies can you start to employ now with a focus on your future?

Figure out the frequency and method of contact you'll have with your kids before they leave. You can start texting them every night to make a loving connection and can practice this now before they leave.
With more time, ensure you don’t become work obsessed, using your work to find that sense of purposefulness. Find that work life balance by focussing on a new hobby and start exploring now.
Start re connecting with old friends and making plans for away weekends

It’s all about baby steps or what I call the munchable chunks. You don’t have to become a new person overnight. Start by setting small, manageable goals until new habits begin to form, taking the place of routines that centered on caring for your child,

This is just another life cycle change.

Embrace it and enjoy the freedom, before the boomerangers come back again! It’ll happen before you know it.