The secret missing ingredient Dads provide
Father playing with daughter
Prior to the Coronavirus pandemic, most Dads’ felt as if they were not getting the right balance in terms of time spent with the family, and many reported they felt as if they were failing. However, since March 2020, and the UK lockdown, unknown to us was the fact that a significant social experiment was underway. For the first time in over 150 years, since the Industrial Revolution took most fathers away from their families during the working day, it appears that fathers are finally coming home.
Pre pandemic, The Parent Practice conducted some research on fathers in 2019, and many wished they had more time to spend with their kids; others felt guilt-ridden over how often they explode in anger at their kids, and many Dad’s reported feeling like they’ve “lost” their teen and have no idea how to overcome the communication barrier.
However since the health crisis there have been extraordinary, unprecedented changes in British homes, as during Spring 2020 lockdown, the Institute for Fiscal Studies found that fathers almost doubled the number of hours during which they did some childcare from just over four to eight hours per day. Meanwhile, mothers’ equivalent input increased from almost seven to 10.3 hours.
The Fatherhood Institute reports that post pandemic, parenting improved: 65% reported a better father-child relationship after the Spring 2020. 48% left lockdown feeling more competent as a parent, and 42% found themselves better able to keep calm and manage their tempers with their children.
This is all good news, as historically there has always been a risk, especially with babies, that women can take over parenting and assume (or have thrust upon them) an ‘expert’ role which Dads can go along with. So, whilst many mums can play visual games and tend to be more verbal with babies and young children, dads have tended to be more physical and tactile. However now, Dad’s are more involved with children than ever before –in childcare and in housework, spending about the same amount of time at weekends as mothers on reading, playing and talking with their children. (source: the Fatherhood Institute.
Many studies have shown that when a dad is involved in his children’s lives, they have better educational, developmental, health and social outcomes
If dad is emotionally involved as an emotion coach and play partner, the following outcomes for the child can be predicted: (the Gottman institute)
· Better self-control abilities
Acceptance by peers at school
Better social competence and emotional intelligence
Higher verbal ability test scores
Better academic performance
Increased empathy
Better social relationships as adults
Higher self-esteem
When Dads allow kids to experience uncomfortable feelings, the results are profound.
By recognising their children’s struggles and allowing them to experience some frustration and learning through failure they’re helping children grow through experience. When we protect our children from their feelings of discomfort or frustration, we can prevent valuable learning in the same way as if we prevent them from making discoveries physically. Although we shouldn’t shield our children from uncomfortable feelings we can help them identify them and manage them by acknowledging what’s going on. E.g. “I can see you’re feeling frustrated with those annoying shoe laces –but I like the way you’re persevering. You don’t give up easily do you?
While I don’t want to minimise the importance of the nurturing, the encouraging and the listening that mums are traditionally good at, let’s also celebrate what dads tend to do really well:
Dads often encourage independence and risk taking
Dads encourage kids to climb higher, go to the store on their own, go down the highest slides etc while mums may have to stifle the urge to keep their babies safe. Encouraging self-reliance and reasonable risk taking in children encourages them to discover what they are capable of and to grow in confidence. If children become fearful they will not grow and will not acquire essential life skills and coping strategies for dealing with the world. So what are the differences in parenting style between Mums and Dads?
Consider the example when watching a little boy climb up tree or a climbing frame.
Dads typically say “go on, you can do it. Well done, reach for it.”
Whereas Mums might say “Be careful, watch where you put your feet, take your time.”
All the research indicate that fathers tend to foster independence and encourage adventure. Mothers are generally caretakers and teachers and are often more cautious.
Dads tend to be more physical than mums in the way they play.
To begin with Dads do play with kids, while Mums sometimes don’t give it as much priority as they do to the laundry, the cooking, the chauffeuring and the supervising of homework and music practice etc. When Roald Dahl died his children wrote about their memories of him and predictably, they valued the story telling and creating he encouraged in them. My guess is when we die our children will remember the play times and the conversations with us rather than the fact that we always ensured they had clean and matching socks.
Dads can be good role models for their children
Dads are needed as good role models for their sons, especially in areas like school work, responsibility, handling physicality and aggression, how to treat women, how to handle and express emotions and seeking support when they need it. Men can show their boys how to be determined without taking competition to harmful levels. Dads are also important models for their daughters as they show them how to relate to the opposite sex. How a father treats his daughter sets up expectations for what she’ll look for in adult relationships with men. Involvement in his daughter’s life profoundly affects her self-esteem.
Dads tend to not judge or compare self with other parents
Dads are less prone to perfectionism than women in the parenting field and less apt to compare and judge their own or others’ parenting efforts. A great combination in a dad is that willingness to trust his instincts, with an openness to new ideas.
And even if fathers are not present in your children’s lives, children can really benefit from being involved with ‘uncle’ figures, and other male role models.
And finally it’s very revealing to hear what children think about their Dad. ( source: The FatherHood Project )
“ He’s really strong. He can lift me up, even though I’m heavy.”
“ He plays basketball and catch with me. My favourite thing in the whole world”
“ We get to spend a lot of time outdoors together.”
“ I feel safe with him. If I get scared, I go to him and he helps me.”
“ My Dad is my sidekick. He's the best.”
“I love it when he tickles me so hard, that I cry. And he talks silly. He’s really crazy!”
The ideal formula is when Mums and Dads work together, as a united front, with their distinctive child rearing roles, so that they complement each other. Remember each parent plays a different role in parenting. Each equally important to your child.
Whilst mothers are generally caretakers and teachers and are often more cautious, fathers tend to foster independence, encourage adventure and can provide that secret missing ingredient that we all need more of: FUN AND NOVELTY.
So here’s to celebrating all fathers, grandfathers, and paternal figures of all kinds, this FATHERS DAY.
Wishing you lots of fresh air and fun this weekend on Father’s Day.
Why not give the ideal Father’s Day gift and together as a united front develop your parenting skills, and add to your toolkit. If you feel feel time strapped, have a look at my 30 day positive parenting course. Achievable yet effective, this course is for busy parents who want to change their parenting style with bitesize exercises that are simple yet impactful. Just 5 minutes a day. It could make a huge difference to your child, and is the easiest way to celebrate Father’s Day