I won't do it....and you can't make me!

BOY arms crossed and pouting

Have you ever heard that line? Has your child ever just blankly refused to do what you’ve asked? Is there anything more infuriating to a parent than sheer defiance? It pushes buttons for most parents and makes us see red. We’re supposed to be in charge, right? We feel really powerless when our child refuses to do what we’ve asked, and we realise they’re right….we can’t make them do it. When they’re very small we can bundle them into their buggies or car seats (although it’s a real struggle if they’re doing that banana back thing) and pick them up and remove them from the playground or pluck them out of the bath. But that ability fades quickly. My middle son was always tall for his age and he very quickly got to the point where I couldn’t man-handle him anymore so luckily that forced me to find some alternative methods for encouraging cooperation.

It’s not only true that we can’t make our kids do things but I firmly believe that it’s the wrong approach to even try to force them into compliance. Wise communications guru Michael Grinder says “The power of influence is greater than the influence of power.” We do better when we use our influence rather than force partly because it’s much more effective in gaining cooperation but also because there are a number of downsides to using compulsion.

• If adults use their greater power to compel a child to do something they don’t want to do we are modelling a bullying approach to persuasion that they may well adopt themselves in their interactions with their peers and siblings, and even with us. How would you feel if your child said to a friend “You have to play my game how I say or I won’t be your friend” or to you “I won’t do my homework unless I get 2 hours of iPad time”?
• Or a child may respond to coercion by shutting down. She may become compliant alright but maybe also docile and unable to form or voice opinions.
• All human beings need to have some agency in their lives. Feeling like we have some control is essential for our happiness. The opposite experience, that nothing we do matters, that we can’t influence events, that our opinions or feelings don’t matter leads to helplessness, which is at the root of depression. All parents know that children start to exert themselves as toddlers and test the limits of their power. How parents respond to this is crucial for their happiness and for their ability to interact with empathy.

Of course parents need to be in charge. We have the mature brains and experience, perspective and impulse control (hopefully) that our children don’t have and it’s our responsibility to ensure that they are safe and to teach them good habits for life. But we can do this without force. We can balance the need to keep a child safe with their need to explore and develop (whether they’re toddlers climbing on the sofa or teenagers connecting with their peer group). We can follow a necessary adult agenda and balance that with their desire to follow their own agenda. We can teach them right from wrong without making them wrong. There are limits to their power but they must have some power. It is the daily judgments on where to find this balance that makes up parenting.

So how do we use influence rather than force? Make very strong connections with your child so that they want to do what you ask.

• Make sure you spend as much positive time with your child as possible, just having fun. Not doing chores or acquiring accomplishments, but just enjoying an activity together. Make sure fun time is regular- schedule it or it won’t happen. Ensure your child knows how much you enjoy spending time with her.
• Sometimes the adult agenda has to prevail. When this happens acknowledge what your child would like to happen and how he feels. Sometimes they have to take medicine or do homework or stop doing something they’re enjoying. I know you’d really like to stay at the park for longer wouldn’t you? You were having so much fun on the swing and getting it to go really high. You love the feeling you get from going fast don’t you? It’s exciting. We need to get home so mummy can make tea but I know that doesn’t seem very important to you right now does it? You’re disappointed. I wonder if we can think of something to make it easier for you? I’ll think of something and you think of something and then we’ll pool our ideas ok? You had a really good idea of singing the Dingle Dangle Scarecrow last time. Maybe you could think of a different song this time?
• Use all your language skills - words, facial expressions and body language - to let your child know how much you appreciate and approve of them. Descriptive (evidence-based) praise will convey that much more credibly than conventional praise. I appreciate that you didn’t make much of a fuss when we had to leave the playground. Although you were sad you thought of something to make yourself happier. That’s what I call good problem-solving. Because we’re going home now I’ll have some time to play after tea. Would you like to think of a really super-duper game we can play before bath?
• Give choices where you’re happy with both outcomes. Would you like to come back to this park again tomorrow or shall we go to the one near Jane’s house? Shall we play UNO or snakes and ladders before bath? Would you like to do homework before tea or after? Would you like to ride your scooter to school or walk?
• When your child doesn’t do what he’s supposed to think about it from his perspective. Why didn’t he do it? Chances are there was an emotion behind his refusal. What was it? Was he angry or feeling bossed around? Describe it to him. Maybe it feels like people are telling you what to do all the time. I guess you’d like to say what happens sometimes. You’re right I can’t make you do anything and people shouldn’t try to make others do things. And all of us have to do things that we don’t really feel like doing in the moment because it’s good for us or good for others. It can be hard sometimes. Let him know the feeling is ok and he is ok even though he needs to do what he’s asked. Explain why you’re asking him to do this thing. State your values. We all have to go to bed so that our bodies get the sleep they need to be strong and so that our brains work well and we’re not crabby. Mummy too. Ask him how you can support him to do what’s required. Be patient. You’re raising a child and it takes time.

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