What age should my child have a smartphone?

The headline this week was Kemi Badenoch, the leader of the Conservative party, backed calls to ban under-16s from owning smartphones - and reveals her 11-year-old is only allowed a classic 'brick' mobile.

Last year the Australian government announced a ban on children under 16 from using social media, after its parliament approved the world's strictest laws.

It’s little wonder that parents are left feeling completely confused, and bewildered, and concerned about the impact of smartphones on their children’s mental health, and education.

Given the latest data from Ofcom, the UK's communications regulator, which shows that the vast majority of children in the UK own a smartphone by the age of 11, with ownership rising from 44% at age nine to 91% at age 11, it seems that the horse has already bolted!

For many of us using our electrical devices is a must. They keep us organised and allow us to keep in touch and entertained. We rely on them and enjoy them, yet often we berate our children for doing exactly what we are doing ourselves!  Hypocritical or what?

The reality is the evidence on when is the right time to give a child their own smartphone is poor, but there are key moments where the risks are higher. As soon as your child gets a smartphone, the social media apps kick in, but the research on the link between social media use and mental health is actually inconclusive, so given that each and every child has a unique temperament and make up, we can assume the impact of social media will be different for each of them.

If we take an example of two teenage girls scrolling through Instagram for 30 minutes. The experiences will be completely different for each of them, as they will have different accounts set up, with various hashtags and so the algorithms will be feeding them a varying smorgasbord of posts and images suited to their tastes and interests. Each girl has a different persona, and personality, may have varying levels of self-worth, may be social media savvy/ media literate to know what’s fake news, a scam or a digitally enhanced image. Each comes from different families where there may be varying levels of communication around tech, so parenting style differences also play a part. So that scrolling for half an hour will have different impacts for each of them. Even more so if one girl is scrolling on the school bus after having spent a good hour of vigorous exercise representing her school in a netball match, vs the other girl who is still awake at midnight with access to her mobile phone in her bedroom.

See the issue?

Like anything to do with parenting, there never has been a one size fits all formula, but the one thing I do know, is the person who is closest to their child is in the best position to judge the impact of excessive use and social media.

The tech world is complex, and the reality is we need schools, social media companies and government to all get involved, but for now as the debate rages and continues the most important thing is for parents to be attuned and sensitive to the impact of excessive use and offer support to their child.

So, to come back to when your child should have a smartphone, I strongly believe that a parent’s role is to prepare for separation. It’s to ensure your child is self reliant and independent and that process starts from an early age, but is magnified when in the UK children transition to secondary school around 11 years. To ban smartphones outright for under 16 year olds, because they represent a risk, does not solve the issue. If we use the example of a swimming pool – they can be dangerous for children, and so we protect them from falling in by putting up fences, setting alarms and using padlocks and banning them from going anywhere near the water. However, that will not teach them how to be safe around water and the most important thing we can do is teach them how to swim.

Similarly, if we want our children to be safe around money and know how to budget, by not giving them an allowance to manage, and giving them handouts every now and again, we spectacularly miss the opportunity to teach them about being canny consumers and savvy savers.

So, if we want to teach our children to be safe around tech and social media, we need to start the training process sooner and certainly before the age of 16. We need to keep the dialogue open, and start teaching and training because with

With connection and communication, progress is made,

but with coercion and control, more problems are created.

Policing and banning are ineffective. It leads to rebellion, resentment and anger and the endless tech battle.

So how do you know when your child is ready to handle the responsibility of a smart phone, and how to set things up

1.     Do they need a smart phone?

Most children don’t actually need a smartphone, but may want one “because everyone else has one” is usually the cry and they don’t want to feel left out. Children of primary school age don’t need a smartphone, but as they prepare for transition to secondary school it may be a good time to start the training using a brick/ dumb type phone. This offers core mobile phone functions of calls and text messages, which for many children is ample “connectivity” to be getting along with and starts the training process of being responsible for a new gadget.

2.     You are the expert in your child

Whether your child is ready for a phone does not just depend on their age but how mature and responsible they are.

·       Do they have good executive functioning, or do they lose and misplace their possessions all the time?

·       What is their self worth like? Are they hypersensitive to criticism and mild name calling?

·       Can they be impulsive and are likely to say or do things they will regret?

·       Do they have any awareness and training in using technology and understand things like the digital footprint

·       Do they respond well to current screen time rules, such as all technology in a drop zone 30-60 minutes before bedtime.

 3.     Is there any neuro diversity?

 Kids with ADHD are especially vulnerable to getting time-sucked into things that are constantly stimulating, like social media apps and games. They’re more likely to be impulsive and say things online without really thinking through the consequences. Parents may want to wait longer, or consider what support the child will need to be successful using a smartphone. What social media training can you access yourself in order to support them to be good digital citizens.

 4.     Communication is key.

Start off a dialogue by letting your child know there are certain guidelines that will need to be established. My Family Tech contract is a good starting point, and together you can explore what the rules will be. Rules are essential to enable parents to be in charge, and to help children get into good habits and behaviours. This is not about control and coercion, but simple codified ways of practice and being. E.g.

·       Be clear about when the phone is put away at night-time. Always set up positive rules such as ‘Phone in drop zone 60 minutes before bed time’ as opposed to ‘no phone in bedroom, or no phones after 8pm’.

·       Let your child know you need to know the passcode, and will do regular check in’s to review usage.

·       Discuss data plans and what the limits are e.g. if sending a text image is not within the data plan, or apps are purchased, what are the consequences of this.

·       Make sure any consequence is relevant and meaningful to the mistake/ action, so the most relevant consequence can often be the child needs to pay for any excesses over the data plan, using their allowance or birthday money/ savings. This will sting them but not wound.

·       What are the consequences if the phone is lost or broken. Will it be replaced? And, if so, who will pay for it?

·       When your kids do start using social media sites, make sure you are savvy as to how they work, which may mean doing a short tech course to inform yourself and them of some of the pitfalls.

 5.     Have gadget free zones

 Ensure as a family you sit down and agree gadget-free zones and times. I recommend no one in the family has their phones in the bedroom. Or does the mere thought of that send you spinning?

 6.     Finally, look at your own habits

 Ask yourself why you do what you do and when? If you are constantly checking your messages outside of work, bringing your phone to the dinner table -you need to ask yourself is this more important than being with your family at this time? Modelling is 80% of parenting - children absorb all the mannerisms and habits and language we use. I know this and I also know I have some bad habits, so for many, including me, this is uncomfortable reading.  Just by being more aware of how we are using devices and gadgets will raise our levels of consciousness.

If you are interested in exploring this topic further, here’s what you can do

If you found these ideas useful please share them with friends and family and for more parenting insights sign up for the free newsletter

Screens, Teens, SmartphonesElaine HalliganComment