The Secret to Helping your Children be Resilient
Elaine Halligan with her son, Sam on Helping your Children be Resilient
The secret to helping your children be resilient
Helping children deal with life’s knocks is a vital part of our role as parents. We do them no favours when we cotton wool them and protect them from life’s emotional roller coaster. Having grit and resilience is key for millennials if they are going to thrive in the 21st century, and have strong mental health. We know that our children will experience failure and they will need to be able to cope with their feelings, pick themselves up and try again. We need our kids to not be afraid of challenges. We can teach them that neural pathways are formed not by doing easy things, but by taking on challenges, especially where there is a risk of failure.
But the key question is can resilience be taught?
Are thrivers born or made?
The best example I can give of resilience in action, is from my own parenting story and for those of you who don’t know how I came to be a parenting coach, the reason is because of our son. I often tell people that our young Sam was like a stone covered in mud. Over time, as we gained new skills and better resources, we were able to work at this stone, carefully whittling down through his difficulties, fears and stresses, until we had lifted every layer that had been obscuring him and there discovered a brilliant, sparkling diamond – a young man who has kindness, resilience and clarity of vision, as well as an inner strength and confidence that belied his past experiences.
Having been excluded at the age of seven from three schools in so many years and literally written off in society, it was not easy finding the diamond, but my hubster and I eventually discovered the secrets, which I can share with you below
Ensure a Healthy self esteem
The ability to cope with setbacks is closely linked to self-esteem. Children feel capable when they know what they did right (and they know they can do it again), when they know they are unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are, not for matching up to someone else’s ideal or because of their achievements. Praise them descriptively for the effort they make, the attitude they exhibit and the qualities their actions show, especially courage.
Don’t rescue but provide a structure for success.
Rescuing children can prevent them from learning important lessons. But research shows that if parents just stand by and let children fail they can experience that as not being loved. Instead of learning the lesson that they should have practiced the clarinet, or revised their tables, they learn that they are failures and that their parents did not care enough to help them succeed. Offer to help them to organise the science project BUT resist the impulse to improve on the project yourself.
Don’t provide all the answers
Encourage your children to be problem-solvers and allow them to think for themselves. Ask them what ideas they have to solve the problem. Refer to their previous solutions.
Be an Emotion Coach - don’t reassure
Resist leaping in and telling your child “It’ll all be fine” and “Nothing to worry about” and “You’re just being silly –man up!” Discussing feelings enables kids to understand that emotions are part of life and will pass. Teach them ways to manage feelings.
Allow mistakes
Give your children freedom to play and make mistakes. Climbing trees teaches risk-assessment. Treat mistakes as learning opportunities.
Despite Sam’s neuro diversity and the fact that our traditional education system woefully provides for atypical learners, Sam went on to finish his schooling as Head Boy at a specialist Dyslexic school called More House, and in his Founder’s Day speech, he spoke of the importance of finding your passion in life, and how identifying this enables you to set goals, which in turn gives you resilience and focus.
His speech still brings tears to my eyes, as it beautifully encapsulated the journey he’d been on, and is a wonderful human example of the influence we have as parents and teachers to instil this key character trait in our children.
I started at More House in January 2009. On day three, I ran away. (I’m sure Mrs Stiff has not forgotten.)
On day five, I locked myself in the staff toilet. (Mr Williamson negotiated me out of that one.) Today, I am honoured to stand here as school captain.
And now, let me tell you a story about an eighteen-year-old boy in his final year at school. He’s received a university offer conditional upon him gaining an A, B and C in his A levels. Why is this remarkable? Well, he had a very tough start to life. He is very dyslexic and was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
He felt very different and thought he was a bad person. He was a very angry young boy. His parents struggled with him and received much conflicting advice.
They tried many possible solutions without success. Travelling on public transport was a complete nightmare. He was all over the place. It was sometimes dangerous and always embarrassing. He’d been to three schools by age seven – and had been excluded from all of them. One school had been so unable to manage him, they locked him in a cupboard. Luckily, his parents did not give up on him. Parents never give up on their children, but sometimes they accept there are limits to what can be achieved. They took positive parenting courses and trained hard to help him. They researched different therapies to support him.
But most of all, they never gave up on the picture they had of who he could be. I do not mean they wanted him to be a scholar or an athlete or a musician or to follow any particular career path; but they knew he was a good and capable person. They found schools that could support him, and it became possible for him to attend school because of all the work they put in at home. He’s progressed well over the years. He has always had drive and self-belief that I think comes from his parents’ belief in him. He may not achieve those ABC university grades – but do not bet against him – he keeps pushing past the boundaries of what was thought possible. Reading and writing are still a struggle for him, but this young man will not be stopped by that. I am told he has great resilience and maturity, well beyond his years.
I’m also told his social skills are very acute and he has an insight about people that is rare in someone age. What has worked has been ten years of positive encouragement, allowing him to have responsibility, fostering independence, giving him an understanding and acceptance of his feelings of difference, anxieties, frustrations and anger, and helping him learn from failure and bounce back from setbacks. One thing this family do is spend time together, whether playing golf or just enjoying family barbecues. This boy has developed passions outside of school that have helped his sense of achievement. There are no glass ceilings when your sense of self-worth is strong. He may not be a doctor or a lawyer, but he will lead a productive and fulfilling life, doing the best he is capable of. Surely this is every parent’s dream for their children.
If you hadn’t already worked it out, I am that eighteen-year-old boy.
And during my time at More House, and many other schools, I have realised one thing – whatever you do in life, as long as you follow your passion, you can overcome any difficulties that may have held you back. In life, do the things you are passionate about – not just good at!
Parents: if you want your sons to succeed, let them follow their passions.
This may come as a surprise to my parents and many of my teachers, but I’ve been reading a book … (Here, the audience burst into laughter again. Sam smiled, and continued.)
I’ve been reading a book during the past two weeks, while enjoying the sunshine at the Wimbledon Championships.
This book – ‘Screw It, Let’s Do It’ – was written by Richard Branson. Branson started his first business at age fifteen, publishing a school magazine in the sixth form, called Student. At the time, he did not view this as a business but as a means of spreading his passion for political news. With his parents’ support, he was able to follow his passion rather than the preordained career paths followed by most of his peers. For those who’ve been counting, I have used the word ‘passion’ five times in the past thirty seconds. It is that important to me.
And he continues acknowledging the role his teachers played in supporting him and he finishes with …….
And finally, Mr Huggett – congratulations on your OBE for your tireless dedication to education and your belief that all pupils deserve a second, and third, chance. But most of all, for believing in me.
Thank you, and good luck in following your passions.
If you would like to learn the secret to resilient kids, join me for my next webinar on Helping Children deal with Life’s Knocks -Friday 10th October 10am, and if you are unable to make it live, no worries, as the recording and handout are all loaded into my parenting school so you can access at a time convenient to you. I look forward to meeting you soon.