Stay Calm and Carry On this Festive Season
Mum staying calm
I know the festive season seems some time away, but the reality is most of you reading this will have less than four weeks before the children finish school for the term, and before you know it, you’re hitting the ground running, and the holidays are upon you. You may have already decided how and with whom you’re spending your festive holiday, started to buy gifts for family and friends, starting to feel you’ve got the practical preparations under control, but have you thought about managing stress levels and how to ensure a conflict free time?
Many of us have a John-Lewis-ad-style vision of an ideal festive season. If you live in the Northern hemisphere that probably involves snow, decorations, Christmas carols (or cheesy music), some form of festive food and happy families sitting around full of good cheer. If you live in the Southern Hemisphere the vision is surprisingly similar even though your celebration might take place on the beach. As we know the reality often falls short of this with emotions running high and old family tensions being dragged out, dusted off and given a good airing. It’s enough to send you screaming for a large glass of warming gluwhein!
Here are some ideas for staying calm and having a happy time these holidays.
This survival kit will help you to manage Christmas related stress, for both parents and children.
Manage expectations
Many of our stresses start with our expectations, both for our children and for ourselves.
When we expect our children to always be polite, grateful and tactful around our (sometimes difficult) relatives, when we expect them to not fight with their siblings or cousins, when we expect them to entertain themselves while we are busy with our huge lists of things to do we are often being unrealistic. Especially when they are tired at the end of the school term with too many Christmas carol concerts and nativity plays, and for those who are at the end of their school year, award ceremonies too (which bring their own tensions). We want them to be able to go to Christmas pantomimes, view the Christmas lights or go to social gatherings; once the term has ended we often let them stay up later. But many late nights and crowded schedules during the day have a cumulative effect on our children’s energy and stress levels.
Added to the mix is the consumption of a different diet from most people’s norm with many opportunities for sugary foods. Parents know that this has quite an effect on most children and on some it can be devastating. In my own family the consumption of Coca-Cola was always a cause for regret as the combination of caffeine and sugar, not to mention colourings, sent my older son into a spin. Often literally.
Much excitement builds in the lead up to Christmas and that is great fun. Parents of younger children get great joy from watching their children’s enthusiasm grow. But that excitement needs an outlet. In the northern hemisphere of course Christmas falls in the winter when opportunities to let off steam outside are limited. Parents need to provide opportunities to get some physical release to pent-up energies.
Another source of anxiety for some kids is the talk about being ‘naughty or nice’ and the conditionality of Santa visits.
All these stresses can lead to poor behaviour and parents may not be in the best frame of mind to deal with it. We may be stretched to breaking point during the ‘festive season’ with so much to do and with Christmas parties to attend we may not be getting enough sleep ourselves (not to mention potentially feeling a little fragile the next day).
And what of our expectations for ourselves?
Women, generally the Organisers-in-chief and main List-makers for Christmas activities, often have unreasonable expectations of themselves and how Christmas should be.
We have Nigela Lawson to thank for providing us with detailed schedules for getting Christmas lunch on the table on time but let us be grateful that someone else has done some of the work rather than using it as a stick to beat ourselves with if our timings fall short. Our Christmases don’t have to be House & Garden replicas with impeccable planning and execution of said plans. Plan for a real Christmas, not a magazine-spread one. We don’t have to have immaculate homes, an overabundance of Master Chef looking food, gorgeous decorations, and beautifully turned out fashionista children. If you want to spend time planning then think about how to ensure that the family relax and enjoy each other’s company.
We know that when we get stressed the children pick up on our moods and we snap at them more. We’re impatient with their demands, their emotional upsets and their conflicts. We become less available to them. Connection is broken.
At The Parent Practice we focus on the need to look after ourselves if we are going to be able to look after our families.
Christmas survival tool kit
PLAN
Yes, this goes with Christmas but this planning is for looking after yourself and minimising stress. Look at your schedule and your child’s schedule and consider the impact of all your activities. Ask yourself if I do this how will I feel afterward? If the answer is refreshed and connected to my family then carry on!
Consider your child’s stage of development and their temperament. Do you have a quiet child who needs some alone-time to re-charge their batteries? Do you have a child who will need some support to manage being around lots of people? Do you have a very excitable child who will get especially revved up with the addition of sugar? Do you have a moody teenager who is in a very self-absorbed phase? They will grow out of it, and they need masses of understanding and affirmation. (Well, if you wanted an easy life why did you have kids?)
What can you do that will build family togetherness? What activities don’t take massive effort and don’t involve cleaning the house or inviting comparison with anyone else? It might just be watching a Christmas film together or playing old-fashioned parlour games like charades. My now-grown-up children still love to get silly with us.
REMEMBER
You are the foundation of your family, not the doormat. You do not have to do everything yourself. Nobody likes a martyr really, especially one who is (not so) secretly resentful. Your partner and your children will welcome the opportunity to make contributions too. They will feel happier making a contribution if you acknowledge them for past assistance, there is no criticism attached to the request, you explain how it helps and you smile.
“You guys really helped me out when you vacuumed up the pine needles after we put up the tree. That was a big job and the living room looks much nicer now that it’s done. We were really working well as a team and it gave me time to play to play Articulate with you (maybe some reference to Christmas elves if your children are under 8). I’m going to make some Christmas cookies to give as gifts to people and Dad is taking those toys you sorted out down to the charity shop. Who wants to help me and who will go with Dad?”
It helps to remember that children love spending time with parents more than anything else, even if it’s doing chores and whether or not doing chores is fun depends on the accompanying attitudes. It’s never fun if accompanied by nagging and criticism. It can be significantly jollied along with addition of cheesy Christmas music to sing along to.
BE UNDERSTANDING
This is a tough call and is one of the main reasons you need to be making deposits in your own emotional bank account as you will be making lots of withdrawals during the silly season. If your child (or partner) is behaving in a way you don’t like/is inappropriate the first step (before any teaching can happen) is to think about what emotion was behind the behaviour. If you can’t do this because your buttons have been pushed, then don’t do anything just yet. You MUST wait until you’ve cooled down. You will be modelling to your child how to deal with conflict/upsets in a mature way.
Once you’re calm they need to be calm. The time lapse will have helped but they also need to vent their feelings. This helps their pre-frontal cortex develop its ability to control emotions. DON’T try to proceed with any teaching before this has happened as they will absorb nothing (we’re still including your partner here).
Describe what you think they were feeling:
“You find it really hard to look at people you don’t know well when they’re talking to you. Maybe it feels like they might not like you, or maybe you just don’t know how to arrange your face! We can practice that to make you feel more comfortable.”
“Just then you were really furious with Justin. When he pushed in front of you to get onto the Xbox first maybe you felt that your wishes didn’t matter. You’re both quite tired at the moment and doing something quiet is a good idea. I wonder if we need to have a schedule for the things you both like to do or are there some games that you can play together? You really want that magazine don’t you? It can be frustrating going shopping all the time in the lead up to Christmas and not be able to get what you want. There’s so much temptation out there in shop windows and in ads on TV and online and maybe other kids are talking about what they hope to get for Christmas. It’s ok to want something and if I say ‘no’ it’s ok to feel cross and ( DON’T say ‘but’) I expect you to still be polite to me. Can you say that again without calling me names?”
“I think you felt criticised when I asked you take the rubbish out in that tone. It was as if I was saying you never do anything to help. I’m sorry. I realise I’m a bit crabby just now. I need to go to bed earlier tonight.”
Then comes the teachable moment.
Do amends need to be made? Is there some repair that can be done? Does something need to be cleaned up? Your child may be ready to apologise if you have not come down hard with blame and judgment. If not, wait and empathise. Don’t force a hollow apology. Maybe there needs to be a consequence but make sure this is different from punishment - it’s not revenge but is designed to teach.
“Now you’re so much calmer than when you ripped up your sister’s drawing. You were so mad at her then. Little sisters can be very aggravating. Now you’ve calmed down maybe you can see a way to make it up to her because she is very sad about her picture? And we also need to think about what you can do to prevent this happening again. I think everybody’s quite tired right now so I think an early night would help tonight. We’ll keep practising using words to talk about how you feel. I’m going to put a pasta piece in the jar each time you tell me how you’re feeling and I’ll give you a special big boy hug too. I know you want to behave well. Do you think that would help?”
Hope you have a very happy, relaxing and connected Festive season when it comes
So, what can you do over these next few weeks to manage expectations and set up for success? Drop me a line at elaine@theparentpractice.com and let me know your top tips for coping with the Festive frenzy.