Have you or your child got Starting School Anxiety?
Girl having School Anxiety
Through out every child’s life there will be occasional periods when they may feel a little anxious,such as when they are faced with new situations such as starting big school for the first time,or even going to a birthday party in unfamiliar surroundings. Staring big school is a real landmark in your child’s life as well as yours and it is normal to be feeling slightly anxious. Hopefully it will be smooth and your child will trip off without a backward glance –then the only thing for you to worry about is how to manage your own separation anxiety!
According to a survey a few years ago by Fairy Bio:
More than half of all parents feel “overwhelmingly emotional” when they drop their child off for their first day at school – in fact, mums are 5 times more likely to cry than their children! Half of parents then say they pined for their child’s company and 44% consider having another baby!!
The level of independence shown by 4 year olds is hugely variable and will be affected by temperament and familiarity with the new school (although even children with older siblings who have been visiting the school for ages may still surprise you by showing some discomfort when it is their turn to start school. However as much as possible do keep your anxiety to yourself, as 80% of parenting is modelling, so if we show worry and concern and doubt, this will become a burden for your child and she will also start to self doubt.
This type of anxiety can be beneficial, and when our children are feeling a little stressed and maybe have “ butterflies in their stomach” or just complain that “ my tummy hurts” , this is a real phenomenon which occurs when the blood is diverted from the stomach to the muscles and the brain, to provide them with the energy and oxygen they require.
So recognising that anxiety is closely linked to uncertainty and a feeling of being out of control is useful for parents to acknowledge, as part of the solution will be to help children feel more in control and set them up for success. The worst thing we can do is ambush them and throw them in at the deep end and expect them to cope, as this undermines trust in the parent.
The main issue with younger children experiencing anxiety is they often are unable to understand or express how they are feeling. So the behaviour may by hugely button pushing for us as parents as we may witness our children being clingy,irritable, angry, have difficulty self soothing, waking up in the middle of the night or wetting the bed.
We do a lot of practical preparations for our children starting school. We buy uniform and shoes and school bags and pencil cases and we put labels on everything. But we don’t always remember to prepare our children emotionally for the big change in their life. If your child has been at pre-school they will have some familiarity with a school-like setting, but even so it is worth making sure they are emotionally prepared for ‘big’ school.
So what can we as parents do to ensure our children are well prepared for starting big school, so that anxiety is minimised.
The solutions are plentiful:
1. Parents can help familiarise their children with the new school by:
Visiting the school more than once, particularly areas that will affect your child, eg classroom, toilets, playground, drinking fountains, where they keep bags and coats etc.
Going past ‘their’ school frequently if you’re close, or looking at pictures of school life and catching up on news on the website.
Attending any introduction days to meet the teachers and other children starting at the school
Getting any uniform or other clothes and shoes in advance and practice putting it on/using it.
But MOST important is that although children CAN learn from HEARING what to do, and from SEEING, they learn best from DOING. So we need to do much more than just TELL them what they need to do at school – we need to help them TRY what they need to do at school.
2. Talk about school positively
Explain that the other children will all be new too.
Tell them that if anything goes wrong, or they are worried, you can always go and speak to the teacher...that you and the teacher are working together to look after your child
Talk about when you were a little girl/boy at school. The friends you made, the things you liked best, the games you played, the teachers you remember fondly. Maybe find a photo of you when you were at school
3. Build up their own confidence by setting up for success and using lots of descriptive praise
Try the uniform on well in advance and practice getting in and out of it and go through the morning routines e.g. would you prefer that uniform goes on after breakfast to minimise the chance of spills? Should your child get dressed in the kitchen to avoid the distractions of a bedroom? Should hair brushes and toothbrushes be downstairs to make for a quicker getaway?
Practice with them going to the toilet and wiping their bottom, flushing and hand washing and give them lots of descriptive praise.
Descriptive Praise is a different kind of praise, which children can’t argue with because it is factual. It is about focusing on, and describing exactly, what the child has done right. For example:
“You put your sports kit in the wash straightaway. That way they’ll be available when you need them next. You’re becoming much more responsible for your own things.”
Descriptive Praise not only improves the general atmosphere of the home but it is the most effective way to get our children to cooperate. When we point out what they’re doing right it motivates our children to do more of it. Children are programmed to seek their parents’ attention and will get it whichever way they can. If you imagine your children are sitting properly on their chairs at the dinner table, eating their food, using their cutlery and not annoying their siblings the chances are you won’t comment at all. But if they start flicking peas across the room you will probably jump on that behaviour. Thus children learn that it is easier to get the parental attention they crave by behaving badly! When we consistently pay attention to their positive behaviour rather than their negative actions they will start to seek positive rather than negative attention.
Think ‘what am I praising for?’ so instead of saying ‘well done’ say
“You got your shoes on all by yourself, that was very grown up and you held your own school bag. Today you kissed me good bye and stood in the line even though you felt a bit sad”
4. Tell them that you will be there every day at the end of the day to talk about things.
But don’t pump them for information –kids are often tired at the end of the day and they live in the moment so often don’t share much about what happened earlier.
You may set up a little anchor of drawing a love heart on the inside of each of your wrists and if they are missing you they can touch the love heart, confident in the knowledge you can bump wrists again at the end of the day.
5. Help children cope with feelings-don’t deny or dismiss
Some children don’t speak about their feelings but parents can guess something is amiss and need to address the underlying feelings.Don’t try to make it better. Children don’t need protection from their feelings– they need to be able to deal with them. Once children’s feelings have been expressed they may be ready to focus on solutions.
So for example if your child gets upset when you have to leave them:
Practice over and over what will happen when you leave them at school “What is mummy going to say when I drop you off? And then what are you going to say?”
They may have feelings of anxiety about being left. Acknowledge the sadness, “You might feel sad when I leave you and that makes you want to cry. You might be worried about what’s going to happen at school or you might be thinking you’ll be missing something at home”
Involve them in solutions. “What could we do to help you feel less sad? Shall we have a special kind of good-bye kiss? Or a goodbye song? Would you like to take something of mine to keep with you? …What do you think?”
So don’t delay and start preparing for success and ensuring both you and your child start this new milestone happy, confident and cooperative.
Many worries are a routine part of growing up but some are frequent and persistent and get in the way of normal life. Parents need to know when a worry is too big and how to help their child. To learn more how to prevent and respond to your child’s anxiety, please look at our Navigating Anxiety Webinar.