The Gratitude Game
Happy Family
A perennial problem parents are often presented with is how we can bring up our children to be grateful for what they have and ensure they don’t become spoilt. Many ask what the difference is between a bribe and a reward, using both to discipline their children.
We hear of families who have promised iPads and mobiles in exchange for good exam results, and we have all at some point given in to the sweetie at the supermarket checkout as we are trying to get the trolley packed, whilst looking after a screaming toddler.
So what is the difference between a bribe and a reward?
A bribe is offered beforehand to influence a behaviour, whereas a reward is given afterwards to acknowledge a behaviour. The language used is significant, too. Bribe = “I’ll buy you these sweeties IF you promise not to make a fuss about sitting in the trolley.” Reward = “You’ve been so patient while I was helping Sam with his homework. You didn’t interrupt and just did something else for a while. Now you have earned a game of UNO with me.”
The ‘if you do X you can have Y’ model involves a loss of parental control. The child is in charge as the parent pays a price for what they want the child to do. One of the concerns parents quite rightly have is that this price goes up! ‘Bribe inflation’ means that the child can raise the stakes and may end up only doing what’s required for a treat, and that treat will get bigger and bigger. “I won’t do it for three sweeties. I’ll do it for four.” This teaches our children that they can manipulate their parents and that ‘rules’ are negotiable.
Author Alfie Kohn argues that rewarding your children is “morally objectionable and practically counterproductive, that the problem lies… with… the idea that we offer to someone something they need or want in order to control how they act.” He says it is objectionable to control another human being. We would say that parents are always trying to influence their children – it’s what raising children is all about. But we think influence is more powerful than control.
Another concern is that when parents use material objects to reward children for good behaviour or performance (or take them away for misbehaviour), those children see their value as connected to performance and measured in material things. So how can you get your children into good habits and cooperative behaviour without bribing or rewarding materially?
HERE ARE SEVEN TIPS FOR HELPING CHILDREN DEVELOP APPRECIATION AND INTRINSIC MOTIVATION
Don’t reward performance, whether academic or otherwise. A good result is its own reward. Instead celebrate the effort your child has put in to their studies or sport. Don’t give them the message that your approval is dependent on their successes.
Descriptive praise is the best reward. When we appreciate our children they learn to be appreciative.
Use non-material rewards. Get creative and choose a new reward today – a pillow fight, blowing bubbles, remote control Daddy, torch-lit indoor safari looking for toy animals, picnic tea under the table, a candlelit dinner/ bath or sending them a real letter in the post! You are only limited by your imagination.
Presence not presents. The one thing children crave more than anything is time with you. In this busy frenetic world, it is so easy not to make this a priority as you race from one activity to another. Treat spending time with your children as a meeting with an important client. You diarise it and can’t afford to be late or to miss the appointment!
Have your child earn privileges for good behaviour – children are much more appreciative of their screen time, toys, outings and having friends to play if you have a system in place where they earn their privileges. This increases their self-esteem, confidence and motivation. If they don’t do what’s required they simply haven’t earnt their screen time, rather than you taking away what they think of as their inalienable right!
Replace IF with WHEN. Remember words are important so replace “IF I let you watch TV now, you must do your homework straight afterwards” with “WHEN you have completed your homework, you will have earnt your TV time.”
Talk up the intrinsic benefits of the task to avoid extrinsic overcontrolling. When your child does something good, point out the intrinsic benefits of the behaviour/achievement, including how happy it makes you. Children want to please parents, even though it doesn’t always look like it! “I really love it when you do what Daddy asks you to do quickly. Now we have time for two stories!” “Thank you for standing still and letting me brush your teeth at the back. That shows me you understand how important it is to look after your teeth, to stop them from getting decay. Now you not only have fresh breath but healthy gnashers too!”
So have a think about the changes you can make in your own family and let me know what non material rewards your children love by dropping me a line at elaine@theparentpractice.com.
Interested in developing these skills? My Parenting Toolkit programme ( a self study course) gives you the secret formula to positive, firm and consistent parenting. It could just be the best investment you make for your family.