Does your parenting style continue a cycle of pain?
Sad teenage girl
I have been a parent coach for well over a decade now, and I can’t begin to count the number of times when I have told people what my job is, they reply “Parent coaching? Isn’t parenting the most instinctive natural job in the world? Why on earth would people need parent classes?” The reality is parenting is not instinctive for many, but a deeply conditioned state depending on our own experiences and upbringing. As I read in the news this week Prince Harry’s comments on “breaking the cycle of pain”, that perhaps his own father had suffered, it is evident he does not want his children to experience what he has gone through. And there it is. The harsh truth that our own parenting styles and emotional reactions, are all based on our parent child relationships and our own experiences as children, and we either replicate how our parents brought us up, or in Prince Harry’s case make a very conscious decision to do things differently.
He speaks about “There is no blame. I don’t think we should be pointing the finger or blaming anybody” but the reality is many parents do feel blamed! I am immediately reminded of when I was invited to attend a parliamentary debate on Family Law reform in the house of commons following the 2011 Croydon riots, and I recall the parent bashing began with then PM David Cameron announcing “ I blame a lack of proper parenting , I blame a lack of proper upbringing, I blame a lack of proper ethics and I blame a lack of proper morals.”
The truth is the Croydon rioters came from all works of life – however if they were unemployed, uneducated, fatherless, estate-living, young people from disadvantaged backgrounds, then commentators claimed that it was the socio economic climate in which they lived. But many of the looters were not from that demographic - they were middle class, teachers, dental nurses and ballerinas. Many were female, educated and in employment. Some of the young were living in stable homes with two caring parents.
In other words people took part in these riots despite - rather than because of - their upbringing.
So whatever walk of life you are from, whether it be a disadvantaged background, professional middle class or from upper class, aristocracy or royalty, the truth is all young people need parents in their lives who can provide that optimal environment to flourish and grow, and help them follow a good moral code. Blaming parents is never going to be the answer and given 80% of parenting is modelling, we need to help parents become good role models.
Prince Harry is learning this through seeking therapeutic intervention, but there always comes a point where a pragmatic tool kit of parenting skills is also needed.
I don’t think there has been a more poignant time in this century, given the impact COVID has had on our children’s lives, together with the impact ‘Everyone’s Invited’ has had on many families, for us as parents to examine our parenting style, and ensure we know how to pass on our values about respect for others, how to teach compassion and tolerance, and how to ensure our children have a strong sense of self worth so they can cope with life’s knocks. Parents need to know
how to teach children respect for others and emotional intelligence and I’ll be talking specifically about this in my next webinar on June 11th - Understanding Boys World and Helping Them Thrive In it.
how to communicate and connect effectively, in order to ensure sound mental health, help children navigate anxiety and know what to do when a worry becomes too big and persistent - see my Navigating Anxiety webinar
how to be clear about values and implement clear boundaries, so they never have to go into battle and even hot spot areas like Screens, can be more easily navigated - see my Screen Time Sanity webinar
That parenting pendulum that swings between permissive to authoritarian, from laisse faire to punitive is always because our Buttons are pressed -and there is always a more effective middle ground involving parents setting and upholding boundaries, taking an interest in and being responsible for their children and being willing to be the parent not the friend. Don’t wait until you have a crisis of parenting when you no longer feel in charge, or when your child is unable to cope with life’s knocks, to seek support. Don’t blame others for not teaching your child a moral compass.
I do think the solution to breaking any cycle of pain, is to ensure all parents have access to positive parenting classes and support, whether via parenting courses provided by the local authority, churches, schools, employers or privately.
Childbirth is one of the most natural processes and YET often we prepare for it with ante-natal classes. It makes complete sense then to help families prepare for the rest of the child’s upbringing!
We need to dispel the myth that parenting support is for “failing” parents or for those with 'difficult' children. Some parents worry that seeking parenting support is an open admission that they are failing to do things well.
Seeking parenting education shows a commitment to your role as a parent, and a commitment to your child(ren)'s future. It doesn’t mean you’re not already doing a good job as a parent, but is a recognition of the fact that there is always something to learn and is testament to the dedication you have to your family’s wellbeing. It is your commitment to the generation of the future.
Nothing will change if we continue the blame game.
Let’s collectively break any cycle of pain.
If you feel you would like to learning about the power of descriptive praise, emotion coaching, rules and rewards and positive discipline and help you to emerge as a more empowered parent with positive parenting strategies under your belt to impact behaviour and make for a happy harmonious home.Start with my 30 days to positive parenting course, and once completed why not kick in with some bespoke parent coaching? It could just be the best investment you make to your family life.