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March 08th, 2018

Respect for women –raising boys and girls to be kind and respectful

Today is International Women’s Day and there have been many reflections on how far women have come since this day was first instituted and how far we have yet to go. 100 years ago Britain gave the vote to some women, lagging somewhat behind its Antipodean cousins, but ahead of the poor girls across the Atlantic and well ahead of most of our European friends. But Britons and Aussies cannot congratulate themselves too quickly while there is still such sexism and gender disparity in pay and so many examples of sexual harassment and violence towards women in these so-called developed nations.

The #MeToo and #TimesUp movement have shown examples of great courage and the sisterhood banding together to fight injustice. But that isn’t always the case. Sometimes women are not supportive of each other. In Australia (from whence I write) there have also been Harvey Weinstein-type exposes of TV personalities and there was recently a scandal with a politician having an affair with a much younger staffer (who’d have thought?) in response to which the Prime Minister made a highly moralistic speech and banned sex between ministers and their staff. This was said to be to correct the power imbalance between men and women in the hallowed halls of parliament. Shortly afterwards a female politician who was being grilled in a Senate committee responded to questions by threatening to name young women in the opposition leader’s office “about which rumours in this place abound.” This kind of ‘s- -t-shaming’ is hardly pulling together for the common cause. And it’s not confined to the ranks of politicians.

I am often dismayed to note how quickly women judge each other. Of course judgment abounds online and any chat room will show up many examples of blame and criticism in the very forums that are meant to provide support for their members. But it exists in the face to face world as well. Have we yet got beyond the position where stay at home mums judge working mums (why did she even bother to have a child?) and working mums judge stay at home mums (she’s just letting her brain atrophy) for their choices? We know that women are often the harshest critics of other women’s appearance. ‘Fat-shaming’ is not confined to the teenage years.

Well this is a parenting blog so you’d expect us to have something to say about how we bring up our children in the face of this. Our advice may seem an old-fashioned kind. We have to raise our children to be kind and respectful. Both our boys and our girls. Of course we need to raise our sons to be respectful of women, to really value the work they do and to reward appropriately with pay commensurate with their input, to encourage them to ask for the pay rises and the promotions they deserve, to give them full credit for their ideas and to recognise their contributions even if they are not pushing themselves forward. Of course we need to teach our boys to respect women’s bodies and their ability to decide what happens to them.  Of course we should teach our sons to relate to women as people instead of just objects of sexual gratification.

I was heartened to hear about a new film being released this year about Mary Magdalene, a more historically accurate account which portrays her as a fully-fledged apostle with a brain and a spiritual instinct, not as a ‘fallen woman’ as she has so often been cast or as the ‘love interest’ of Jesus. (Ironically the film was to have been produced by Harvey Weinstein.)

But as well as raising our sons to have respect for women we also need to teach our girls to be kind to each other.

How do we do this?

Those readers familiar with our work at The Parent Practice will know that emotion coaching is a very powerful way of connecting with children and that connection makes it possible for us to have influence with them. Also when we show our children compassion and kindness they will be compassionate and kind to others. When we respect how our children feel they will learn to respect others.

We teach respect and kindness in 5 ways:

  1. We model it in our interactions with our children and with others. We say things like “Harry seems cross today. Maybe he didn’t have a very happy day at school. Let’s give him a bit of time and then maybe we can see if he’d like to play this game too. Do you think that would make him feel better?” And we can also say “Did you hear how happy grandma was about that card you made her? She had been feeling a bit sad since her friend Beryl died but I think that cheered her up a little.”
  2. We require it of them. We have rules in our homes that say “in this family we are kind to one another. We try not to hurt with our words or actions. When we do hurt someone we make amends.”
  3. We coach them to deal with their own feelings. This means acknowledging how they feel. It also means helping them to find strategies to deal with their feelings of upset in ways that are respectful of others. Maybe they can listen to music or jump on a trampoline or do a drawing or punch a pillow or even clean their rooms! Just a suggestion….
  4. We teach them to recognise how others feel. We can also help our children tune in to feelings by reading books and watching films with emotionally charged content. Pause and ask your child “how is that character feeling; how do you know he’s feeling that way; what might he do next, given how he feels?” You can ask “have you ever felt that way? What were the physical sensations you had? What did you want to do?”
  5. We notice and comment descriptively when they do something kind or treat someone with respect. “Even though you were upset about not being able to have your phone in your room you spoke politely to me and you kept the rule. I appreciate that.” “That was kind of you to share your ice cream with Jamila when she dropped hers.” “I like the way you included Stella in your game.”

Raising children has never been easy but this generation of parents are incredibly well informed with great resources and have behind them great examples of activism to inspire them. It gives hope for a future generation of respectful adults.

Posted in: Kindness , Raising Boys , Raising Girls , Respect





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