September 11th, 2018

Wanted: Good Friend

Did your child go back to school or start at a new school this week? If you’re wondering how to help him maximise his potential this year at school come along to our 3 part workshop series on this topic. If your mind is turning more to their friendships, read on.

Friendships can be lovely - affirming, supportive and nurturing. They can bring a child out of themselves and challenge them to try things they wouldn’t on their own such as climbing a tree, tricks on a skateboard, joining a choir or the Brownies. Friends can learn from one another in an academic context too. Being with friends teaches trust and intimacy and cooperation. Negotiating with peers teaches communication skills and compromise. Having friends of different backgrounds teaches respect and understanding. And learning how to break up and make up is also useful. Arguing helps a child to learn conflict resolution, including how to repair relationships.

Friends can help children through tough times, help them develop their own personality and help them transition toward independence. They are the forerunners for adult intimate relationships with a mate. Friendships can buffer a child from the negative effect of family conflict or break up, illness, poverty or lack of success at school.

Human beings have some basic primal needs –the first is to satisfy our physical needs and to be safe, and the second is to belong.

Friendships can also be troublesome sometimes – children fall out with each other; some kids find it hard to make friends, some are bullied. Children can be left out or have mean things said to or about them. They can be physically hurt themselves or their belongings hidden, stolen or broken. They can have hurtful words hurled at them, face to face or via social media. Children can be very cruel and fickle –they may be best buddies one day and off with someone else the next. Children may have immature responses to differences of opinion, feeling jealous, being unwilling to share possessions, wanting to dictate how the game goes etc etc.

Friendships are relationships chosen by the children themselves, nurtured, broken, repaired and perhaps discarded, and by and large it’s best if parents let kids navigate these relationships themselves. Child-child relationships are egalitarian in a way that adult-child relationships are not and that freedom should be protected. Kids will learn more from their own failures and successes in relationships than if parents muscle in.

“Friendships matter to children because they are relationships that are all their own – created and nurtured by them.” (Dr Eric Lindsey, Texas University

That doesn’t mean that parents can’t help their children at all to successfully manage peer relationships. Here are 8 ways we can help:

1. Provide play opportunities

Provide opportunities for children to play together- but don’t butt in too much. Children need both physical and emotional space to play!  Research has found that how mothers behave when children have friends round can be a key to children’s popularity. Parents who micro-manage children’s playtimes tend to have offspring who are less well-liked. Hard as it is, try not to intervene in every spat. Children can often work it out for themselves. 

2. Involve children in groups outside school

Involve them in after-school activities of their choosing; sporting or arts clubs or youth groups, active groups doing physical or creative things or community involvement. Encourage children to take part in extra-curricular groups to get them outside themselves and find out what they’re interested in and to provide a friendship pool other than at school. 

3. Let them choose
As kids get older their friends will be those they choose to hang out with rather than the children of your friends. Friendships are generally transitory in the 5-8 age group – this is the time to try a lot of different friends. We shouldn’t direct or limit this as it is a learning time; the ‘wrong’ children are as important as the right ones because even a ‘bad’ friend can be a great learning experience. Don’t criticise their friends. When appropriate ask your child what they think about the friend’s behaviour, rather than criticising the individual. 

4. Give lots of approval

Let your kids know how much you value them, both to build connection and self-esteem and so that they don’t become over-dependant on peer approval. Children who don’t get much approval at home can be vulnerable to peer pressure which may lead to poor behaviour that they mightn’t engage in otherwise. Provide them with regular positive family time so they feel connected there. All families need to spend time together, so that conversations can occur during non-crisis moments such as around the dinner table. Praise them descriptively for any good friendship qualities they show. 

5. Model being with your own friends and being friendly with your partner. 

Demonstrate loyalty, commitment, self-respect, constructive dispute resolution, and communicating and managing feelings. 

6. Train children in social skills through play and practice tricky situations in role play.

Teach children to be aware of their own and others’ feelings by watching films or reading books with emotional content. Ask them what the characters are feeling. How do they know? Have they ever felt like that? If they’re feeling that way how are they likely to act? Use role plays to prepare for difficult conversations or conversation openers or retorts to teasing. Use games like ‘Simon Says’ and ‘Chinese Whispers’ to practice listening and collaboration and games of chance to practice following rules and winning and losing well. 

7. Acknowledge how they feel when children are upset about friendships. 

Don’t brush their feelings aside in an attempt to cheer them up and don’t rush in to advise them what to do. If you let them release their feelings it will free up their thinking brains to allow them to come up with solutions for themselves. 

8. Help them to be thought detectives.

When your children assume that their friend’s behaviour has a malicious motive, listen to those feelings first, then gently challenge their thinking by asking questions. Encourage your child to be more accurate in their thinking by:

* Catching his thoughts (“No one at school likes me.”)(“Ed thinks he’s more important than me.”)

* Collecting evidence (“Sherry and I do homework together—she’s a friend of mine.”) (Ed pushed in front of me in the line at breaktime.)

* Challenging her thoughts (“Is it really true that no one at all likes me? Where is the evidence?”) (“Ed might have been in a hurry to get inside after break. Maybe he needed the bathroom.”)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in: Friendships

 

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