January 05th, 2019
New Year’s resolutions are a bit old hat aren’t they? Do you have a negative response to the idea of forming resolutions to live a better life, to be a better person? That implication that you are somehow deficient as you are now is a bit life-sapping. Maybe you don’t want to tell anyone about your new resolutions because you fear their judgment when you fall off the wagon. If you expect to fail at your resolutions maybe they’re the wrong resolutions, or maybe you need a bit of help with them. Research shows that many resolutions have foundered by 14th January, just a week away! This is mainly because our goals are unrealistic or vague and we fail to recognise that it will take time and effort to change our habits. We may also not delve into why we want to make the proposed changes in the first place. Without this meaning for the change we won’t be able to sustain motivation.
If you do, privately, want to bring up your children to be good people and you recognise that the job of parenting would actually be made easier and more pleasant by not yelling at them, then maybe just one simple resolution would be good for you –STOP SHOUTING. But resolutions which are about stopping doing something, like giving up smoking or reducing the amount you eat or drink or the amount of time you spend on a screen are notoriously difficult to fulfil. For a goal to be really worth your time, you must move towards something you do want, rather than just move away from something you don’t want.
Check your feelings
If you want to speak more positively to your children you will need to do something about those feelings that caused you to yell at them in the first place. Resolve to be kinder to yourself and look after your physical and emotional wellbeing better. When you lose it and you shout how were you feeling? Did you feel disrespected or powerless or stupid or ignored? If you’re feeling like that no WONDER you shouted!
Check your thoughts
Looking after yourself better and recognising your feelings will help stop them from dictating your behaviour but you may also be able to prevent yourself from feeling that way by changing what you were thinking about what happened.
If your 11 year old boy comes home from school and drops his filthy sports kit in the middle of the hall and announces that he’s not doing his Maths homework ‘because Miss Jenkins stinks’ and you think he’s going to ruin his academic chances and his future because of a silly whim and he’s taking you for granted and you’ve failed to teach him to consider others…. then you’re likely to feel panicky and disrespected. And if that’s how you feel you’re likely to try to assert yourself and grab control of the situation and deflect blame from yourself. And you may yell.
If you reframe your thoughts about your children’s behaviour it will have less potential to push your buttons. I recommend that whenever you feel your buttons being pushed you take some cool down time. Tell your kids what you’re doing –this is great modelling of handling emotions in a mature way.
When you come back to your kids in a new calmer state before dealing with the behaviour seek to understand why they did what they did and describe it to them. Did your son drop his gear in the hall because he was caught up in an impulse to race off and do something fun after his busy day? Did he forget that he’s supposed to put his stuff in the laundry basket? Does he feel challenged by the current topic in maths? Does he feel defeated by the task? Does he believe that there is nothing he can do to improve things? When you reframe your thoughts about your child’s behaviour there’s a good chance you can be calmer.
How can you fill the void created by the absence of shouting? Create a new habit of speaking positively. Creating a bank of positive phrases will help you to pull them out even when provoked. So here are 24 things to say to kids (adapt for your family) to take you to the end of January.
I hope you have a very happy, positive and calm 2019!
January 08th, 2018
At The Parent Practice we usually like to focus on the positives. Not just because we’re a jolly little band but because it’s more effective for training. When we ask our kids to do things it’s more efficient to say what we want them to do rather than what we don’t want them to do. That’s because our brains conjure up images and they have a hard time processing negatives. So if I say ‘don’t think of pink elephants’ you will almost certainly be imagining a pink elephant. Likewise if you say to your child ‘don’t run inside’ he will be processing an image of himself running in the house. So instructions need to be positively framed. Instead say ‘walk inside’. Family rules also need to be positive for the added reason that lots of no’s feel very restrictive and may provoke rebellion. ‘Enjoy time on the computer after homework’ feels much less constraining than ‘No screen time unless homework is done.’
We also need to focus on the positives of what our children do because we get more of what we pay attention to. So if we notice and point out when they forget to hang up their towel or are mean to their sister but we don’t say anything when they put their book bag away or help unload the dishwasher then we can be sure to get more meanness and uncooperative behaviour. Children have evolved to do what gets their parents’ attention so we need to be careful what we prioritise with our words.
Another reason for positivity is that a positive connection between parent and child is the very best basis for discipline. Positive discipline teaches a child how to behave well rather than just not to get caught doing something wrong. It encourages self-discipline and the adoption of a set of values. Spending time with your kids doing fun things and letting them know how much you value them builds self-esteem and gives them a very strong incentive for accepting your influence.
But have you noticed that at this time of year with all the talk of resolutions how much they focus on negatives? How to get rid of excess pounds or drink less or spend less etc. While it’s not generally very motivating to focus on what we need to do less of there may be some merit in looking at some of the negative things we say in parenting so that we recognise them and can change. So many of the things that slip out of our mouths do so so automatically that we don’t even realise that we’re doing it.
So here are 4 things we shouldn’t say to our kids, what they sound like and why they kill connection: (before you read any further do realise that all parents have said these things –we’re human and we make mistakes but we’re trying to limit the number of mistakes we continue to make.)
Phew! Now go hug your child and tell them why you love them!
January 04th, 2018
Guest Blog by Dina Shoukry Weston
Do you want to raise kind, empathetic kids who care about others and stand up for what is right? Of course you do, who wouldn’t? Do you have time to do it? You’re probably thinking, “but when?” Well, here are 5 New Year’s Resolutions that can be incorporated into your daily life to raise socially aware global citizens or as I like to call them, KidCitizens!
Make giving part of your family’s everyday life by doing something for charity together in 2018. A Child Trends report showed that children who volunteer are more likely to have greater respect for others, leadership skills, and an understanding of citizenship that can carry on into adulthood. You don’t have to do anything overly complicated and you can do it with kids of any age from toddlers to teenagers. So whether you donate food to the local Food bank together, do a walk or run for a cause, hold a fundraising coffee morning or play date, or give money to a charity nominated by your kids, make sure you do something for charity with your children in 2018. If you are looking for ideas, check out these suggestions I prepared earlier!
Our society is becoming increasingly diverse. Have a look at your street, your town, your city and you will see people from all walks of life who given the chance, could enrich our children’s outlook on life in so many ways. So in 2018, go out of your way to look for opportunities to celebrate diversity. One of the easiest ways to do this is to diversify your kids’ book collection. Look for books featuring character leads from a broad ethnic background or disabled characters. Visit as many cultural events, exhibitions, performances as you can. The Chinese New Year in February is an excellent opportunity to do this. If you have friends from a different religion or culture, ask if you can join in their celebrations. Last Diwali, my family and I celebrated with a dear Hindu friend and we had the most magical time. Or travel the globe from your home through kid friendly dishes from around the world. Celebrating diversity is fun and needn’t be taxing.
A Jordans Cereal survey revealed that more than one third of adults don’t have a clue about wildlife and can’t teach their kids about the great outdoors. Let’s reconnect our kids with nature in 2018. Head out to your local park. Don’t just make a beeline for the playground, but walk slowly there and talk about the different trees, leaves and insects. Make sure your kids are taking in what they see – the sights, smell and textures - so that they can truly appreciate their surroundings. Let them climb trees and play with sticks. Risky play is healthy and encourages independence and calculated risk taking – skills they will need their whole lives. At home, plant tomatoes or herbs together or buy a grow your own butterfly kit. Talk about recycling, using less water and conserving energy. None of this is rocket science and you probably do many of these things already, but how much time do you take to explain it to your kids? One of the things I am doing with my kids at the moment is saying no to plastic straws in restaurants, as they are so harmful to the environment. If we don’t teach our kids to appreciate nature, who is going to look after it in future?
The issues our society faces are difficult to explain to young children and in many ways, we don’t want to infringe on their innocence. However, whether we like it or not, our kids are exposed to society’s problems every day whether it’s at school or on TV. The truth is, there are many opportunities to talk about tricky issues and they shouldn't be treated as anything extra special. For example, you can talk race, religion, culture, disability, homelessness, gender equality, refugees and climate change on the walk to school, at the bus stop, at dinner, anytime really. The whole point is not to fixate or over explain but rather to talk about issues little and often in a natural environment so your kids don’t feel lectured and quite simply put off. Thankfully, there are books and resources online on pretty much any tricky issue to help you. So in 2018, really think about tackling issues with your kids, it will help them to understand and empathise with their community and their surroundings.
Be visibly kind to others in front of your kids and they will be kind too. You can help a neighbor, write a thank you card to someone in the community, bake cupcakes together to cheer someone up, or simply say hello to someone you pass on the street. There are many things you can do and they don’t have to be grand gestures, just make sure you explain to your kids why you are doing them. I always ask my kids how it feels to do something kind, to which they always reply “good”.
Finally, remember to pick your moments, kids are kids and if they aren’t in the mood for your lesson on global citizenship, then leave it and try again another day. Raising a global citizen should be fun and provide opportunities to bond as a family.
Dina Shoukry Weston is a Wandsworth mum; copywriter and founder of KidCitizen, a social media campaign helping parents empower their kid to make a positive impact on their community and their world.
January 07th, 2016
Over the New Year weekend I was getting seriously irritated with article after article in print and online media exhorting me to shed weight, give up the booze, stop smoking, become more positive, stop procrastinating, get more organised, clear out my clutter and get fit, all of which just made me feel deficient. When I asked around I found that many others were seriously fed up with these New Year resolutions finding them smug, self-righteous and self-serving.
When I dug down to see what particularly irritated me about them I found that most of them suggested I had a problem that needed to be fixed. Of course. That is a well-tested marketing method and as I am also in business and need to pay bills I don’t mean to criticise people peddling their services by highlighting the need that their service or product addresses.
However when it comes to parenting we already experience much guilt about the way we bring up our children. You only have to go online to find out what a rubbish parent you are. It’s not just your mother-in law insinuating that your children are particularly problematic or that your child-rearing methods are particularly suspect. Parent-bashing is a favourite theme of the media. Even where you might expect a more empathetic approach, such as among other parents, there is criticism. Any parenting chat thread will have some quite judgmental voices suggesting you’re getting it all wrong. In our classes we often meet parents who worry about ‘getting it wrong’ and screwing up their kids.
At the Aspen festival of ideas in 2012 when discussing the purpose of parenting Ericka Christakis, early childhood educator and Harvard College administrator, said that “we live in what we call the ‘epidemiological age,’ where we have a lot of information about what is unhealthy and healthy” and this creates a “crisis of information” which causes a lot of anxiety. We feel so responsible for ‘creating’ a future generation of not just happy and well-adjusted adults but successful high-achievers too. This anxiety can be made so much worse when we hear about critical ‘windows of opportunity’ in our children’s development that we think we may have missed and we feel terribly responsible in a way that our parents’ generation didn’t. (Lucky carefree things).
Yet in the work we do at The Parent Practice we have a unique opportunity to observe masters at work. In our face to face work with parents we hear about the issues they have faced and the solutions they have devised. We have learnt much from our clients and have incorporated into our trainings many of the ideas generated by these ‘masters of parenting’. In our book, Real Parenting for Real Kids, we celebrate these masters and we bring their success stories to you. They would hasten to deny that they are masters but I am not talking about attaining any kind of perfection, just continuing to improve all the time, getting to know their children better and devising practical solutions that work in their own families.
In your quest for mastery (or just a bit of calm) if you’re setting goals for yourself it’s never effective to focus on what is wrong. Your brain will visualise your fat, unfit, smoking, disorganised, shouty self if you do that. You need to imagine your desired outcome instead. So rather than creating New Year’s resolutions which focus on what needs fixing think about what you can celebrate in your parenting. What small successes from 2015 can you acknowledge yourself for? Is it around playfulness or being connected with your child? Is it about being a good role model? Do you think you managed to pass on some values? Were you encouraging? Notice those good parenting moments, acknowledge yourself and make sure you do more of that in 2016.
Here is one example from Chapter one, Knowing your Child:
William was always reluctant to go to school at the start of each term, even after the half-term break. It didn’t make any sense to me, and I would end up pushing him through the door with tears in his eyes. Until we talked. And he told me that he didn’t like the newness of the fresh classroom. He didn’t know where he would be sitting, he didn’t know what lessons were coming up, he didn’t know what the new lunch menu would be like. And when I saw it from his point of view, and took into account his temperament of finding change difficult, and being a very regular child, I was able to make the shift from him ‘being a problem’ to ‘having a problem’.
We brainstormed how he could walk in, even when he wouldn’t be able to know what he wanted. We practised things for him to say, something to take in to show someone, just to get him through the door. That, in conjunction with accepting how he felt about the start of each term was enough. He went in with a little smile and a big breath, and hasn’t looked back.
Juliet, mum of two
Have a great 2016 and keep developing your parenting practice.
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