May 14th, 2018
Shouting is like smoking in several ways. We know it’s a bad idea but we keep doing it. It doesn’t make any difference if people lecture us about it –we’ve heard it all before. We know, we know. We’ve got into the habit, ok, and it’s hard to break.
There was a good reason why we started in the first place. With smoking you may have felt daring, rebellious or grown up when you took your first puff at age 16…14…12. All your friends might have been doing it. It gave you something to do with your hands at parties. It helped you to not eat. Lung disease is what happens to other people, old people; and you were never going to be one of those. Now that you are older having a cigarette is one of the few quiet moments in the day when you can stop…and think…or just stop. And it’s the cool gang outside with the cigarettes.
When we shout at the kids we have good reasons too. I mean you should hear what they say to us! I would never have spoken to my mother the way they speak to me! We have to shout at them, don’t we, to get them to pay attention to us? One boy confirmed this when he responded to the question why didn’t he do what his mum asked with the answer, “She hasn’t shouted yet”. And we shout because our emotional cup/to-do list is overflowing. Because we started the day behind the eight ball by sleeping through the alarm, finding the uniforms in a great unwashed ball in the bedroom corner, by our 8 year old cheerily announcing that it didn’t matter because they didn’t need to wear uniform today because it was World book day and they had to go in costume. And this is the first you’ve heard of it and you should have left 10 minutes ago and nobody has had breakfast. And we shout because nobody, but nobody (except maybe the dog) listens to us. We shout because we’ve already asked nicely 515 times and nothing’s happened. And surely we deserve some respect? I mean we brought those children into the world; half of us laboured to give birth to them! They should be grateful. And they should do what we say. It’s because they don’t that we shout, isn’t it?
There’s a small difference between smoking and shouting. When we smoke we do most damage to ourselves and potentially some damage to others through passive smoking. When we shout we risk some damage to our children and we also damage ourselves. When we get ourselves into a position where shouting seems like the answer our blood pressure is elevated, our hearing is diminished and our sight is reduced to a very narrow focus. We are stressed and cortisol is flooding our brains. Our children know when we have lost it. The ‘it’ we have lost is self-control and with it we lose their respect.
If we get into habits of shouting children learn:
• not to pay attention when we speak normally
• to disrespect us
• that we don’t respect them
• that shouting is what you do in order to persuade someone of your point of view
• that their agenda, their opinions or feelings don’t matter.
When we shout connection is broken and with it the chance of cooperation is greatly reduced and children do not learn all the valuable lessons we could have taught them, including how to interact respectfully with others.
But we don’t always shout at our kids. For some it’s only certain behaviour that pushes our buttons and we’re calm the rest of the time. And our partner may not be bothered by that behaviour. My husband used to be quite relaxed when our great big galumphing boys came and wrestled with each other on our bed… when we were in it, quietly reading our books at the end of a long day. But I used to hate it and feel it was an invasion of our precious quiet time and I’d yell at them to get off and get out! Some of us can react calmly to exactly the same behaviours today that we shouted about yesterday. What’s going on? It can’t be the kids’ behaviour that determines whether we shout or not or we’d all shout about the same behaviour, all the time. It must be something to do with us.
Life doesn’t make us react in set ways –we have choices. But it often doesn’t feel that way. When the red mist descends it feels automatic to go into shouting mode. What is it that pushes our buttons? Well, what pushes my buttons may be different from what pushes yours. But we have this in common; we react because of how we’re feeling. When you feel disrespected or powerless you may respond with harsh, authoritarian behaviours to try to command some respect. Why do I feel disrespected when my husband doesn’t? That’s because I have a different set of thoughts about the behaviour than he does and it’s those thoughts that prompt my feelings out of which I react.
When I was growing up it was instilled in me to think of others; to be selfish was a Really Bad Thing. So when I saw behaviour in my teenagers that I interpreted as selfish (who’d have thought a teenager might be self-focused?) I thought of it as a character flaw rather than a stage of development. That made me anxious and I responded harshly. And when I did that I lost the connection that would have enabled me to teach my children without bruising their self-esteem, without judging them or making them feel my disappointment and disapproval. When you shout at a teenager their ears bang shut and they are convinced that you are unreasonable, mean and nasty.
But we can get our kids to listen without shouting.
We need to stay calm and that means:
• prioritising self-care
• pushing the pause button before you respond (you may need a calming strategy like taking deep breaths or going for a walk or repeating a mantra to yourself like ‘he’s having a problem, not being a problem’)
• reframing our negative thoughts about our children’s actions to see if there’s another more helpful explanation for what they’re doing
• scheduling time to spend with them doing fun stuff to build connection
• using lots of descriptive praise –nothing opens kids’ ears faster
• listening to them.
Of course we’re only human so we’ll slip up and shout from time to time but, as they say with smoking, don’t give up giving up, and join me in taking the ‘vow of yellibacy’.
May 11th, 2016
Friendships can be lovely - affirming, supportive and nurturing; they can bring a child out of themselves and challenge them to try things they wouldn’t on their own; friendship groups can give a sense of belonging; friends can provide emotional support; good friendships provide an opportunity for a child to air their views and work out what they believe in. Being with friends teaches trust and intimacy; negotiating with peers teaches communication skills; learning how to break up and make up is also useful. Friends can help kids through tough times.
Friendships can also be troublesome if they don’t go well. Children fall out with each other, some kids find it hard to make friends and some are bullied.
Have your children ever experienced any of the following issues?
You can foster good friendships by:
“Having a good friend will lessen the harmful effects of bullying. If you are excluded by the general peer group but have a friend who is saying, ‘you are not so bad as they say you are’, this can be enough to satisfy your need to belong. You will not be damaged if somebody special is valuing you, even if you are not valued by everyone.” Dr Michael Boulton, child psychologist, Keele University.
Use Descriptive Praise on an on-going basis to help your child value themselves and to highlight specific qualities that will help in friendships such as loyalty, good listening and sharing.
Play games with your children to encourage skills such as listening, turn-taking, being a good sport, using self-control, handling their feelings, considering other people’s feelings, following rules and instructions, looking for solutions and developing strategies for dealing with problems.
Role play how to join a group of children, different ways of saying hello and asking to join in. Hi my name’s…what’s yours? I like your ‘Inside Out’ notebook. Do you like Joy? Practice also what to say if the child says “No, you can’t play”.
You can also use role plays to help your child work out how to stand up for herself without hurting anyone else. Practice saying something like “I don’t like it when you take my things. Stop that!” “I want to play with you but I don’t like this chasing game –it hurts when you get slapped.”
You can teach kids to read social cues from words and body language and how to gauge their impact on others and adjust accordingly, including the amount of space a person needs. Get your child to read your face and say what you’re feeling. Ask what you’re likely to do next if you’re feeling that way. Have fun with it!
Sharing demands a level of social understanding which comes with maturity. It means caring about what the other child wants as well as what he wants. Don’t expect too much of this from younger children. Show children how to take turns by playing games and by example. “I’m going to let you have some of my ice-cream because you dropped yours and I can see you’re sad.” Sharing toys provides the first experience of negotiation. First, recognise ownership so the children feel the situation is properly understood. For example: “I know it’s your car and it’s for you to decide. Hannah’s really sad. If you’d like to play with her toys sometimes maybe you could let her play with yours?” Then let them sort it out as much as possible. “Sam’s really upset. Can you think of anything else he might like to play with to cheer him up?” Descriptively praise sharing and turn-taking whenever it occurs.
Good friendships aren’t just a question of luck –show your children how to nurture them.
April 14th, 2016
Before writing Real Parenting for Real Kids we surveyed our clients and asked them what their current goals were with their children. The majority said that they wanted more cooperation. Probably you too want your children to do what you ask, not just so you can have an easier life but because it’s your job to train your children into good habits for life. And for that you need some cooperation.
You may wish your child was more polite or would eat his greens or go to bed and stay in bed or focus more on his school work or try harder at swimming or would try again when he failed or do more around the house or get off his Xbox when you ask him to or get dressed promptly in the morning. You may wish your child would show more consideration for others or take responsibility when she does something wrong or wouldn’t flare up and bite your head off when she is upset about something. You may want her to do her eye exercises or stop sucking her thumb or to put her clothes in the laundry basket or to look people in the eye when they talk to her. To teach your child good habits and attitudes you’ll need them to cooperate with you.
That doesn’t mean your child can’t have an opinion or feelings about what they’ve been asked to do. I usually suggest that we don’t want to be breeding mindless automatons, but some of the parents in my classes admit they would settle for some blind compliance! If you’d like your child to listen to you more this is the place to be! Nothing opens the ears of a child (of any age) more than the skill we’re exploring here –Descriptive Praise. This is magic.
Praise, you think. That old hat! I know about praise. I try to praise my child but frankly he’s not often doing anything particularly praiseworthy. And I think kids actually get too much praise these days. Isn’t that what leads to this sense of entitlement everyone worries about?
Well yes, and no. If children are given meritless and meaningless praise all the time not only does it not have the desired effect of improving self-esteem and encouraging good behaviours but it does in fact lead to an expectation of constant praise and the worry that if they’re not being praised they must be rubbish. This is a result of the WRONG KIND OF PRAISE.
Descriptive praise is praise, but not as you know it.
Children cooperate when there is real connection between them and their parents. There is a biological imperative for a child to want to please their parent. I hear you scoff. That basic instinct can fade if the child no longer believes he can please his parent. If he hears a lot of criticism (so easy for us to lapse into this) then he will lose focus on doing what gets approval. The onus is on us adults to make the change and start noticing and commenting on the small things children get right. It’s no good just saying ‘well done’ or ‘good job’, ‘clever girl’ or ‘awesome’, ‘brilliant’ or ‘fantastic’. That kind of praise will have no meaningful effect and can make a child dependant on external approval.
Since we get more of what we pay attention to we need to notice the good stuff, rather than commenting on what’s gone wrong. Instead we need to describe to our children what they are doing right so that they can absorb that behaviour as a value and learn to self-assess. “Harry, you’re carrying that plate really carefully with your eyes on your hands. That way nothing has spilt.” “Georgia, you were really cross with Jack for turning off your video but you didn’t hit him or even yell at him – you told him it was your turn and you even gave him something else to play with. That shows me you understand that Jack finds it hard to wait. You’re teaching him patience.”
Descriptive Praise shapes behaviour more than any other tools in our parenting toolbox. We still need to have rules and we need to give instructions carefully to maximise cooperation and when our kids don’t want to do what we’re asking we’ll need to be able to empathise but Descriptive Praise is the magic that opens kids ears.
For more tools on getting the best out of your children, click here to pre-order Melissa Hood’s book Real Parenting, for Real kids at the discounted price of £13.99 until the launch date of 27t April 2016.
January 31st, 2016
We’re a few weeks into the Spring term in the UK and although it’s called the Spring term it really feels pretty wintry still. It’s dark when the kids get up in the morning and can be dark when they come home from school too, especially if they have any after school activities. Mornings can be hellish for lots of us. They can be marked by shouting and nagging, threatening and cajoling, sometimes begging. And that’s just us…the adults! Kids have absolutely no sense of urgency and sometimes seem to be moving deliberately slowly.
The children may seem to be intentionally obstructive, but they’re not –they just have a different agenda. Unlikely as it sometimes seems our children are hard wired to want to please us. It’s an evolutionary thing –their survival depended on it.
Children are willing to stop doing what they want to do and do what we want/need them to do when:
Try these 3 ideas, and get a good night’s sleep yourself, and we reckon you’ll see a difference in your mornings and you’ll get off to your various activities feeling a whole lot better.
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