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July 27th, 2015

The Second secret to Screen Time Sanity – Be your child’s emotion coach

Hopefully you have discussed with your partner and your children the rules about screen time use and started to get clarity over how, when, where and what, as suggested in our first tip but you may still have been met with some serious resistance.

Hopefully you are using descriptive praise to motivate and saying many  positive things to your child about their use of technology.

I saw you put your phone to re-charge. That’s planning ahead - now it will be fully functional for tomorrow!”

“I love how you determined you are to work your way through this. You’re persevering, even though you’re getting frustrated.”

“You remembered our new rule about leaving the ipad in the drop zone.”

And yet you are still met with the whining tones of:

Why won’t you let me play”?

“These are stupid rules. You are so unfair - no other parent does this to their kids.”

“Just one more minute, I have to finish this level…..”

And you are left thinking what now? I have communicated clearly what needs to happen, acknowledged when they have got it right and STILL they resist!

The secret to this is learning how to LISTEN and be an EMOTION COACH  for your child

In order to help our children behave appropriately we need to accept how they feel.  Being an emotion coach is not about indulgence or letting them get away with poor behaviour, but about understanding and connection.

Generally we don’t show much empathy when they say “You’re the only parent who is like this. Everyone else is on it, they spend HOURS playing. It’s so unfair, I hate you!”

A usual response would be :

That’s not true.”

“Don’t be so rude”

It’s not good for you and I’m the boss”

“ I don’t care what other people do. These are my rules!”

“Life’s tough, get with the programme.”

“School is really important, you won’t get anywhere if you don’t keep up your school work.”

“Don’t be silly – it’s not an important game!”

We rationalise, attack, dismiss their feelings, judge them, justify ourselves and generally tell them that they are WRONG and we are right.

And it does nothing to help you and your child manage their screen habits. If anything it encourages them to go undercover, or defy you. It doesn’t teach them any of the self-control or values we want them to learn!

What can we do instead?

Be your child’s emotion coach and understand that all feelings can be accepted, but some behaviours need to change.

The key is we don’t make our children  wrong for the way they feel about things - whether that’s wanting to play Minecraft or preferring to watch TV than do homework.  That doesn’t mean we let them play whenever they want.

We name it to tame it - we acknowledge that they wish they could play more or longer, that reading and maths can be hard, that everyone else has the new game….. We let them have their feelings . 

We connect first so we can then teach and help them stick to the rules….

How does it sound?

I can see you’re enjoying your new computer game. You really don’t want to stop and come to dinner. It’s frustrating to have to stop doing something you enjoy and it takes self-control to do something you don’t feel like doing.”

“I know you don’t want to turn the TV off. You’d like to be able to watch as much TV as you’d like”

“I know Jake is allowed to play Grand theft auto so you want to be able to play it too. You’re mad at me for saying no. I know you think it would be ok because it’s not really real life. I appreciate you do know the difference between games and real life. It’s hard for you to understand why I don’t think this is healthy for you. Let me tell you what I don’t like about it…”

This is how we build rapport and trust - we show them we understand how they feel, and we are on their side to help them do the things they need to do, but may not want to do. When your child feels heard and understood there will be less resistance and he will be more accepting of your rules and values. He will be more able to problem solve and look for solutions. What an amazing gift to give your child.

What are you waiting for? Give it a go today and be your child’s emotion coach.

 

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July 19th, 2015

The (First of Two) Secrets to Screen Time Sanity

When the summer holidays begin we are excited about the thought of no nagging about homework, longer days to play in the garden and the fact that we are not such a slave to the clock. However the first flush of enthusiasm can quickly die away with the realisation that our children may be spending too long on screens and we are using them as a babysitter.

You may be wondering:
“How much screen time should my children be having?” and
“How do I control my children’s screen usage?”

Managing screens is not about coercion and control as that can only lead to long term problems. The answer lies in connection and communication.

If you think about keeping your kids safe around a swimming pool we can protect them from falling in by putting up fences and setting alarms and using padlocks and banning them from going near, but the most important thing to do is TO TEACH THEM HOW TO SWIM.

The same is true for screen safety. The more we nag and shout and blame and criticise and forbid and take away and threaten, the more children will push back and try and regain control. It may work to get them off the gadget in the moment but does nothing to help them long term to enable them to exercise self-control around screens. Children do need limits and boundaries and they are not YET able to set these from themselves so we need to do it for them. The trick is to set ones that will work, that we feel comfortable and competent to implement. We also need to remember that our role is to teach self-control.

Rules for the Digital Jungle:

  1. THINK . Begin with the end in mind. What is the ultimate destination? To encourage children to feel in charge of technology and use it responsibly, as opposed to technology being in charge of them. 
  1. DECIDE . You need to decide WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHO AND HOW MUCH.
  • How much time? We know that when parents set limits on media consumption, children consume less media than those who have no limits. The consensus amongst professionals is no screens before age of 2 years and no more than1 hour per day for under 8’s. But it’s also about what else you need to do first? Eat, sleep, play or practice?
  • When can they play or surf or game? This depends on your family schedule but not during the hour before bedtime as screen-usage interferes with sleep.
  • What sites/ apps? Watch out for the parental guidance certificates and if you are not ready for your child to smoke or drink or drive why would we think they are ready to use Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto which are rated 18?
  • Where? Do keep internet enabled devices in a common place where you can monitor them. And have a DROP ZONE where the devices can stay and recharge when they are not being used. 
  1. Include the children rather than imposing the rules from on high! Including them shows you are interested in their views; it is respectful to seek their opinion. It works best with children over 8 if you outline what you need and acknowledge what they would like at the outset. Then ask how you can accommodate both sets of needs. They will probably have some good ideas. They may not like all the rules –empathise with that and reiterate why you need to have them. 
  1. WRITE IT DOWN. I guarantee you will forget the rules and by writing them down it depersonalises them. Then you have a contract, with both sides needing to respect and abide by it. 
  1. KEEP IT POSITIVE. Don’t have negative rules such as “no mobiles upstairs” or “no gaming after 7pm” but rather “mobiles are used downstairs” and “ you can game after homework and before 7pm.” 
  1. FOLLOW THROUGH. Often we start by thinking of what we should do when they mess up! But really we should be deciding what to do when they get it right. Adults rarely notice when children get it right. Do comment when they follow the screen rules. The positive consequence of following the rules is earning the right to use screens again. 

If they do break the rules we usually take the gadget away and punish them for getting it wrong. This sort of works in the moment, BUT they are may be defiant and FURIOUS with us. A better approach is: 

“The rule is that you play on your ipad after kumon and the positive consequence is that you get to play the next day. (Or better still ask them what the rule and reward is.) As your kumon sheet is untouched and you’re on the ipad, remind me what is the consequence?" 

“I don’t get the ipad the next day!” 

Exactly! And when they lose access they may feel guilty and angry… and that’s ok. Our job as parents is allow them to feel that disappointment and anger, empathise but not back down. 

Tune into Secret No 2 on screen time sanity to find out how we stay firm to our values around screen use.

 

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