February 08th, 2016
Anxieties are very much on the rise in children and young people. 2.2% or about 96,000 children in the UK have an anxiety disorder.[ref:http://www.youngminds.org.uk/training_services/policy/mental_health_statistics]
Anxiety is a feeling of unease, a worry or fear. Children can be fearful of many things, some of them imaginary and many of them irrational. It can be hard for an adult to understand their fears.Many worries are a normal part of growing up.
0-2 years – infants and toddlers are often afraid of loud noises, strangers, separation and large objects
It’s very common for young children to experience separation anxiety from about 8 months. They may become clingy and cry when separated from their parents or carers. This normal stage of development tends to ease off at around age two to three.
3-6 years – young children are frequently afraid of imaginary things such as monsters, the dark, sleeping alone and strange noises
It’s also common for pre-school children to develop specific fears or phobias of certain animals, insects, storms, heights, water, and blood. These fears usually go away gradually on their own. Gentle gradual exposure to the feared object can help.
7-16 years – older children have more realistic fears such as injury or illness, death and natural disasters, school performance and their future, social anxiety, identity and belonging.
Throughout a child’s life there will be times when they feel anxiety.
What makes a child anxious?
When is anxiety a problem for children?
Sometimes anxieties are very big, very frequent and very consuming.
Anxiety becomes a problem for children when it starts to get in the way of their day-to-day life. Example: a 10 year old girl who is so afraid of being on her own that she won’t sleep in her own room but sleeps in her parents’ room. This is obviously disruptive to both her parents and her.
Paul Stallard, Professor of Child and Family Mental Health at the University of Bath says “If you go into any school at exam time all the kids will be anxious but some may be so anxious that they don’t get into school that morning…. Some will sit in an exam and their mind freezes and they can’t get anything down on paper. This is when anxiety starts to interfere with what children need to do or would like to do in everyday life.”
Severe anxiety can affect children’s self-esteem. They may become withdrawn and go to great lengths to avoid things or situations that make them feel anxious. Anxiety disorders that start in childhood often persist into the teenage years and early adulthood. Teenagers with an anxiety disorder are more likely to develop clinical depression, misuse drugs and feel suicidal.
This is why you should get help as soon as you realise it's a problem.
What are the signs of anxiety in children?
When young children feel anxious, they cannot usually understand or express what they are feeling. They may become irritable, angry, tearful, clingy, withdrawn or have difficulty sleeping, waking in the night, wetting the bed or having bad dreams. They may start or revert to thumb-sucking, tics or stammers, hair pulling or nail biting. They may experience eczema or headaches or stomach aches. They may engage in ritualistic, repetitive or obsessive behaviours. They may ask many, many questions, not because they really want the answers but because they’re seeking connection.
Older children may:
What can parents do?
It doesn’t work to tell them there’s nothing to be afraid of, not to be worried or to pull themselves together.
This helps children cope with their uncomfortable feelings, to understand them, be able to verbalise them and to find ways to manage them or alleviate them. Emotion coaches recognise and respect children’s feelings and reflect back to the child what they are experiencing. Giving the emotion a label helps the child to manage it. Name it to tame it.
When your 3 year old won’t go to bed because she’s afraid of monsters don’t say “don’t worry about it” or “don’t be silly-monsters aren’t real.” This will not work. You could say something like “even though monsters aren’t real they can feel very real in the middle of the night. I can see how frightened it has made you feel because you’re crying.” This won’t dismiss her feelings but nor does it suggest that there is actually something for her to be afraid of. Sometimes it can work to get her to shrink the monster or give him a funny face. Some families will work with magic ‘talismans’ that can ‘magic’ away monsters –these can be any object that can be invested with magic properties.
Alicia Eaton (Words That Work: How to Get Kids to Do Almost Anything by Alicia Eaton) suggests using a worry box. She describes worries as emotional messages that our minds send us to take care of us. This is ok where you can take action about the worry such as revising more for an exam. But it’s a problem if there’s nothing you can do. To make the message go away we need to acknowledge receipt –trick the mind into believing action has been taken. Get your child to write down or draw their worry, fold up the paper and put it in a box. Keep the box out of sight, not under their bed. At the end of the week review the worries-most will have taken care of themselves or won’t have materialised. Acknowledge that they didn’t occur without saying “see I told you there was no need to worry.” The child can then decide if they want to put the worry back into the box or throw it away.
You can help by preparing children in advance for new situations; talk through what’s going to happen and maybe practice in role play.
Encourage children to feel capable by giving credible descriptive praise for the strategies they use to cope with life. “I like the way you tried again when your first attempt didn’t work. Looks like you’ve found a solution.” Do this all the time. Give them lots of opportunities to be independent and support them by training in small steps. Make your focus be less on results and more on effort and tactics used. Don’t ask ‘did you win?’ when they’ve played a match. When kids think all their parents care about is results they get very anxious.
When kids make mistakes or fail let them know that mistakes and struggles are a normal part of learning and an indication that their brains are growing. Model an attitude of ‘what can I learn from this?’
Consider environmental factors
Food –can affect stress levels and create mood swings, especially toxins like caffeine and sugar
If you think your child is suffering from greater than normal levels of anxiety consult your GP.
February 04th, 2016
I recently had an interesting conversation with a friend about something her insightful son asked her. Her son is a terrific kid: athletic, wise, fun, friendly and incredibly hard-working and disciplined.
There had been a dance at his school where the girls invite the boys to dance. My friend’s son had not been invited. He probably wouldn’t have said anything at all if he hadn’t seen pre-dance photos on his Mum’s Facebook page that her friends had posted. There were the shots of girls dressed up, boys in tuxedos, corsages, poses … you know the photos. He asked his Mum: “What are they bragging about?” Then he offered this as his own answer: “Mum, they are bragging about their children being popular and social. They’re not bragging about the things that matter!” … the things that matter to him. And, you know, he’s right!
So, here’s the question again: what are we bragging about? Do we want OUR Facebook pages to be showing that we value our daughter’s prettiness, or the length of her legs, or the way her hair looks? Do we want our sons to be valued for their good looks and that they were deemed worthy of being invited to dance? I decided to scroll through my own Facebook feed from the last few months … and while I consciously post very few individual photos of my child, there are clear themes that jump out!
- A photo of my child and my husband both dressed up at a Halloween party. I guess I want everyone to see that they are good sports and like to get dressed up!
- An outdoorsy picture. I want everyone to see that my daughter loves to be outdoors.
- She did her first triathalon. She’s athletic.
- The obligatory first-day-of-school-look-how-grown-up-and-pretty she is photos of her alone and with neighborhood friends. She is cute, she has friends … and a dog!
- Jumping off a dock into the ocean at sunset. She’s a kid that loves the water and is always up for fun with new friends.
- A photo with neighborhood friends as they run a lemonade stand and golf ball sale for local golfers to raise funds for the Nepal earthquake relief efforts. I want people to see that she cares about making a difference in the world and that she has a responsibility to contribute.
I could go on … but I guess what I want my friends to know about my child is essentially that she is sporty, has a global understanding and wants to make a difference; she is friendly, fun and pretty … and that she has a dog! Here’s the follow up question though, how might my friends perceive what I’m posting? How does that leave other children feeling if/when they see my posts. And I know exactly what can happen!
While writing this, a 1-year ago memory photo appeared on my feed. It was a photo posted by a friend of the children from 4 out of 5 neighborhood families out on a hike. The children from the 5th family hadn’t been invited … a complete oversight … not a malicious exclusion by any stretch of the imagination. But, the son of said 5th family saw the photo on his Mum’s Facebook page and was left feeling excluded, hurt and angry.
As parents, we are absolutely allowed to feel proud of our children and we do want to share our joyful experiences with family and friends. I am not writing this at all as a judgement of what we should or shouldn’t post on our pages. We should, however, post with a greater understanding of two things:
If your children are ok with you sharing their life experiences, check in from time to time to see how you are presenting your children to your world. Is it a true reflection of the important qualities you value in your children?
Ann Magalhaes, The Parent Practice NY
January 31st, 2016
We’re a few weeks into the Spring term in the UK and although it’s called the Spring term it really feels pretty wintry still. It’s dark when the kids get up in the morning and can be dark when they come home from school too, especially if they have any after school activities. Mornings can be hellish for lots of us. They can be marked by shouting and nagging, threatening and cajoling, sometimes begging. And that’s just us…the adults! Kids have absolutely no sense of urgency and sometimes seem to be moving deliberately slowly.
The children may seem to be intentionally obstructive, but they’re not –they just have a different agenda. Unlikely as it sometimes seems our children are hard wired to want to please us. It’s an evolutionary thing –their survival depended on it.
Children are willing to stop doing what they want to do and do what we want/need them to do when:
Try these 3 ideas, and get a good night’s sleep yourself, and we reckon you’ll see a difference in your mornings and you’ll get off to your various activities feeling a whole lot better.
January 15th, 2016
or Zen and the Art of Parenting
by Rachel Cuperman, a Parent Practice client who did our 10 week course.
I first came across the idea of parenting classes several years ago. A friend had enrolled on a course to improve compliance levels at home with her two school-age kids. It seemed to involve pasta shapes in jars and being Very Positive and I remember at the time thinking “Why would you need to go on a course about parenting? Surely, it’s something you just, well, get on with?”
In my defence, I was then a newly minted mum. A total and utter neophyte. My bouncing baby boy spent his waking hours gurgling happily, when he wasn’t smiling benevolently. The behaviours of older children were still a mystery to me. Like a far away land, full of temper tantrums and tears. A land I secretly hoped never to visit. Hah.
Three years and another new baby later and the picture was rather different. My contended baby boy had turned into a strapping 3 ½ year old, with a will of iron and a frankly awesome temper. Our son was (and is) a joy. Loving, kind, affectionate and great fun. Until he didn’t get his way, that is. Anything that deviated from his agenda was met with nuclear strength resistance, violence and histrionics. It wasn’t uncommon for him to soil himself in fury. Each day became a series of skirmishes that ended in tears, exhaustion and remorse, on both sides. But the pattern repeated itself, over and over.
My husband and I tried everything we could think of to get a handle on the situation. In terms of discipline, we didn’t consider ourselves to be pushovers. We’d read the childcare books, watched the programmes, canvassed friends for their advice. We’d reasoned, cajoled, punished, done star charts and elaborate reward systems. But nothing worked, for longer than a day or two anyway.
Crunch time came when my son, in the grip of fury, kicked his nursery teacher. Being summoned to come and remove him was a mortifying and deeply upsetting experience, for all of us. We were now desperate and totally stumped. We didn’t understand why our son was so angry and what we could do to help him curb his undesirable behaviour.
It was at this point the friend at the start of this story aimed me back in the direction of The Parent Practice. And for this I will always be grateful. When I plucked up the courage and phoned them, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. What I got was the very sympathetic ear of the Elaine Halligan, one of the organisation’s excellent Facilitators. Elaine listened carefully as I outlined our situation. She was compassionate, practical and most importantly, said she felt she could help us turn our situation around. We decided to meet her for an initial consultation. And that consultation proved to be the start of a transformative journey.
Once she’d got the measure of our family set up, Elaine introduced us to The Core Skills: a set of tools and strategies which are designed to help parents cope with the myriad challenging situations that arise in daily life with kids, and are at the heart of what The Parent Practice teaches.
The first skill we learnt was “Descriptive Praise”. In action, this means noticing and mentioning the small good things your child does rather than focussing on the negative or on what they haven’t done. The thinking behind this is that your children are hard-wired to get your attention, positive for choice. I already knew that it was a good idea to praise children, but this type of praise is different from the ‘good boy’ kind I was used to. The more specific you can be in your appreciation, the more likely it is they’ll be motivated to repeat the behaviour. Essentially, you train them into good habits with positive reinforcement.
I can honestly say that using this single skill was transformative. It didn’t magically remove our problems but it made a massive difference. Immediately. Heartened by the results, I booked myself onto the course to learn more and I can honestly say its one of the most worthwhile things I’ve ever done.
The other parents I met were terrific. All of them were grappling with issues of their own. The weekly sessions gave us all the space to listen, think, discuss and laugh together and proved to be a great support.
As far as our little family goes, I can report that our son is a reformed character: happy, relaxed and much more able to cope with disappointment and take the rough with the smooth. The tools that we have acquired help both ourselves and our son cope better with difficult situations. And I’m sure its no coincidence that these situations now happen less and less often.
January 07th, 2016
Over the New Year weekend I was getting seriously irritated with article after article in print and online media exhorting me to shed weight, give up the booze, stop smoking, become more positive, stop procrastinating, get more organised, clear out my clutter and get fit, all of which just made me feel deficient. When I asked around I found that many others were seriously fed up with these New Year resolutions finding them smug, self-righteous and self-serving.
When I dug down to see what particularly irritated me about them I found that most of them suggested I had a problem that needed to be fixed. Of course. That is a well-tested marketing method and as I am also in business and need to pay bills I don’t mean to criticise people peddling their services by highlighting the need that their service or product addresses.
However when it comes to parenting we already experience much guilt about the way we bring up our children. You only have to go online to find out what a rubbish parent you are. It’s not just your mother-in law insinuating that your children are particularly problematic or that your child-rearing methods are particularly suspect. Parent-bashing is a favourite theme of the media. Even where you might expect a more empathetic approach, such as among other parents, there is criticism. Any parenting chat thread will have some quite judgmental voices suggesting you’re getting it all wrong. In our classes we often meet parents who worry about ‘getting it wrong’ and screwing up their kids.
At the Aspen festival of ideas in 2012 when discussing the purpose of parenting Ericka Christakis, early childhood educator and Harvard College administrator, said that “we live in what we call the ‘epidemiological age,’ where we have a lot of information about what is unhealthy and healthy” and this creates a “crisis of information” which causes a lot of anxiety. We feel so responsible for ‘creating’ a future generation of not just happy and well-adjusted adults but successful high-achievers too. This anxiety can be made so much worse when we hear about critical ‘windows of opportunity’ in our children’s development that we think we may have missed and we feel terribly responsible in a way that our parents’ generation didn’t. (Lucky carefree things).
Yet in the work we do at The Parent Practice we have a unique opportunity to observe masters at work. In our face to face work with parents we hear about the issues they have faced and the solutions they have devised. We have learnt much from our clients and have incorporated into our trainings many of the ideas generated by these ‘masters of parenting’. In our book, Real Parenting for Real Kids, we celebrate these masters and we bring their success stories to you. They would hasten to deny that they are masters but I am not talking about attaining any kind of perfection, just continuing to improve all the time, getting to know their children better and devising practical solutions that work in their own families.
In your quest for mastery (or just a bit of calm) if you’re setting goals for yourself it’s never effective to focus on what is wrong. Your brain will visualise your fat, unfit, smoking, disorganised, shouty self if you do that. You need to imagine your desired outcome instead. So rather than creating New Year’s resolutions which focus on what needs fixing think about what you can celebrate in your parenting. What small successes from 2015 can you acknowledge yourself for? Is it around playfulness or being connected with your child? Is it about being a good role model? Do you think you managed to pass on some values? Were you encouraging? Notice those good parenting moments, acknowledge yourself and make sure you do more of that in 2016.
Here is one example from Chapter one, Knowing your Child:
William was always reluctant to go to school at the start of each term, even after the half-term break. It didn’t make any sense to me, and I would end up pushing him through the door with tears in his eyes. Until we talked. And he told me that he didn’t like the newness of the fresh classroom. He didn’t know where he would be sitting, he didn’t know what lessons were coming up, he didn’t know what the new lunch menu would be like. And when I saw it from his point of view, and took into account his temperament of finding change difficult, and being a very regular child, I was able to make the shift from him ‘being a problem’ to ‘having a problem’.
We brainstormed how he could walk in, even when he wouldn’t be able to know what he wanted. We practised things for him to say, something to take in to show someone, just to get him through the door. That, in conjunction with accepting how he felt about the start of each term was enough. He went in with a little smile and a big breath, and hasn’t looked back.
Juliet, mum of two
Have a great 2016 and keep developing your parenting practice.
December 08th, 2015
It is only a few weeks before Christmas, the season of gift-giving, and I am, like many others, thinking about how to give gifts of meaning, that the recipients will really like. At this point I quite enjoy the process and am delighted if I think I’ve got it right. Closer to the date the thought process may become less deep as I scramble to get everything done –it may become “this will do for the brother-in-law won’t it?”
I heard three stories in the last few days that made me think about gifts, the thoughts behind giving them and receiving them. One was amusing and one appalling and the last one generated the kind of ‘aww’ moment that signifies Christmas for the sentimentally-minded like me.
The first was a story I heard on the radio. The presenter laughingly told a story against himself as a child when his brother had given him a tee shirt which for some reason didn’t hit the mark. He received the gift half-heartedly and when his cousin said he liked it the intended recipient happily offered it up! Apparently he was in big trouble and was accused of having ‘ruined Christmas’.
Closer to home my large family have operated a Kris Kringle system for years drawing names out of a hat to see who will buy just one gift on behalf of the whole family for one family member, with an upper limit on expenditure. My niece who is in her twenties decided that this year she wouldn’t be part of this family tradition. When asked why she explained that the previous year her (not very well off) aunt had given her a gift that was ‘below value’ so she didn’t see the point of it!
In stark contrast a friend of mine recently posted in Facebook about a conversation with her youngest where she asked her 3 year old what she wanted from Father Christmas. She was surprised when her daughter said ‘nothing’. Her mum checked and her little girl confirmed nothing - me have enough toysthat she didn’t need any more toys because she ‘had lots already’. You all want to know what that Mum’s secret is, don’t you? Well she doesn’t know herself but it prompts the question, how do we raise our children to be less focused on ‘things’ when we live in a materialist culture? If the first two stories made you cringe it may be that you would like to raise children who place value on matters other than possessions and who interpret gift-giving without reference to the price tag. Maybe you’d like your children to be grateful for what they’re given.
Research shows that materialism is linked to gambling, debt, marriage conflict and decreased happiness. If you want to encourage your children to be less materialistic and more appreciative two ideas come to mind:
Having a non-material focus in the family means:
Using non-material rewards
Professor Marsha Richins (Professor of Marketing, University of Missouri) has made a study of materialism and concludes that offering things as rewards and removing them as punishments can contribute to an association between possessions and a sense of accomplishment or achievement. This can morph into ‘I need things to feel good about myself’.
Instead when your child does something good
Emphasising other values
Values are caught, not taught. This means that children adopt the principles upon which they live their lives by reference to what they see done in their families. So if you hanker after the latest gizmo to hit the shops and pre-order or queue for days for the latest device you can expect your children to want to buy things too. If shopping has become a leisure activity for you and you suggest a day of ‘retail therapy’ as a way of spending time with your kids then they will also value shopping.
What conversations are you having with your children in the lead up to Christmas? Is it ‘what do you hope Father Christmas will bring you’ or ‘what do you think Grandpa would like’? What limits should you put on your own Christmas spend? Will you give the message you intend if your child receives many, many gifts from you?
3 practical ways of encouraging gratitude are:
Keep a gratitude book
Many families keep a book in which they record things for which they are grateful. Record 3 things that made you happy that day. Studies have shown that kids who focused on blessings for just two weeks reported feeling more gratitude, more life satisfaction, more optimism and were more positive even months later.
Model appreciation of things and people.
Say thank you of course (even if a gift is a bit bizarre) but also talk about being grateful for what you have and the people in your lives. Appreciate small things. “I love the way Daddy always checks with me if I need anything when he’s going up to the shops –that’s really thoughtful” “I love these crisp autumn days when the leaves are so colourful.” “I love the way Auntie Sally makes my favourite dessert when we go there for Sunday lunch. That makes me feel very cared for.” “These tools were expensive so I need to look after them carefully by oiling the blades so they don’t rust and putting them away carefully.”
Notice when the children are appreciative and comment on it -“When you say thank you for the dinner I made I feel really appreciated.” “When you say thank you for driving you to Kim’s house it makes me feel that you don’t just take the things I do for you for granted.”
Appreciate what they do with Descriptive Praise. “I really love it when you do what Daddy asks you to do quickly. Now we have time for two stories! “That’s sensible that you’ve put all the lids back on your felt pens. That way they won’t dry out.” Or dropping a thank you note into a lunch box or school bag or on their bedside table or pillow for them to find. Or maybe a text message for an older child.
Wishing you the gift of a happy and peaceful Christmas with your families where you really appreciate each other.